70. If you expect a mind reader you’re probably on the wrong planet

I know a guy who asks a new woman to go out a couple of times but then he doesn’t date her any more if she doesn’t also ask him to do things. He expects dating to be a two-way street and if she doesn’t reciprocate it’s over for him. The poor woman he’s dating, on the other hand, can’t read his mind and she’s probably left wondering why he never called again after a couple of dates.

All it would take is for him to tell her he’d like her to initiate dates too. He wants to feel they both have an investment in being together, not just him. But the problem, as you can see, is that without realizing it he expects her to read his mind. She, on the other hand, may be new to dating after a long marriage, and when she dated in younger years women would never ask a man out. It was impolite and pushy in those days.

Conversely, I know a woman who doesn’t hesitate to just ask a man to kiss her when she’d like to be kissed. She doesn’t wait for him to think of it or get the courage if they’re new to each other. “The worst he can say is that he’d rather not,” she says.

I’ve heard women say, “If I have to ask and he then does what I want it’s not sincere. It feels like he’s not doing something because he cares about me but only because he feels obligated.” If that’s your thought question it. Is it true just because someone does what you’ve asked that they didn’t really want to do it? Chances are good that it’s not true at all. He just didn’t know, and once he finds out he’s delighted to do what he knows would please you in many cases.

A couple of books by sex therapists I’ve read say that one of the most frequent issues they face with couples seeing them for counseling is that neither partner will tell the other what they want sexually. That happens even after 30 years of marriage, they say. Yet most people who are tuned in just a little bit know that men and women are usually pretty different when it comes to sex. We’re wired differently. What a man wants isn’t necessarily what a woman wants, and a bit of clear communication goes a long way in getting our desires met. More importantly, we’re being honest. Truth in a relationship always finds a warm home.

If you notice you have expectations that aren’t being met by a date or partner ask yourself if you’re expecting them to read your thoughts. Is it true that their inaction means they don’t care? Or is it possible they just don’t know and they’d love to be told, directly and honestly?

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer