71. Allow freedom in dating relationships and avoid the pain of war

Almost everyone likes the word “freedom”. It has a good ring to it. We think of living in a free country and the personal freedom we have to say and do what we want within the standards of our society. Of course we all want the freedom of movement inherent in not being imprisoned or physically confined in some way.

The word “freedom” doesn’t seem to show up as much when we think about relationships, at least in my experience. But it’s a critical component of a relationship that quite often is abused and overlooked. To me a synonym for freedom in relationship is “love”. Here’s why I say that.

When you feel free in a relationship you also feel love because you’re not being restricted, forced, confined, and controlled. No one likes to feel chained and without personal control. Yet how many times do you see people doing just that in their dating? As soon as a relationship begins to develop they suddenly feel they have a right to make demands on their date or partner. Either through applying guilt or anger or some other manipulative method people often begin to build fences around their new lover: You can go here but not there. You can spend time with this person but not that one. You should do this and you shouldn’t do that. “I want (meaning expect) you to attend my grandson’s socker games with me,” is an example. Or “You should go to the play with me and if you don’t it just proves you really don’t care much about me.” The words might not actually be spoken but the unspoken messages are forcefully clear.

I’m not saying we need to stay in situations where the other person’s freedom brings us unhappiness, for example they’re having sexual affairs. But does that person have a right to live that way? Absolutely. Is it a loving act if we think we have a right to try to change them? No. Being clear about what you want, and walking away from a person who doesn’t behave that way makes total sense to me. But thinking we have a right to control and restrict and try to force someone to live “our way” doesn’t work, I’ve noticed. Neither the controlee nor the controller is happy. After all, who’s choice is it how you live your life? It’s yours isn’t it? Doesn’t your partner have the same right?

If you find yourself thinking you want to tell someone how to live, no matter how close a relationship you have with them, you might want to ask yourself, “Will this really bring me happiness and peace and the security I’m looking for?” If your answer is no you might, instead, just try asking for what you want. Noticing whether you get it or not gives you information for the choice you make next. But you’re allowing the other person to be free as you’re free. To me, that’s love. No tension, no stress, no personal war.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer