79. Are you sure you know that Joan means what Suzie meant when Suzie used those words or behaved that way?

Dating in these more mature years means we’ve had a lot of time to build memories. It’s pretty easy to have those memories infringe on our current dating experiences. Our date or partner – let’s call her Joan – says something and immediately we’re reminded of a painful experience with a past partner we’ll call Suzie. Then we automatically assume that Joan means what Suzie meant when Suzie used similar words.

When I say automatic I mean that. Unless we’re conscious we just assume we know what Joan’s words mean. But do we? Instead of seeing or hearing the words as they’re presented it’s much too easy to add our interpretation and then form judgments, based on that interpretation, which may be totally wrong.

If you automatically add your own interpretations to words or events how will you ever recognize you’re doing that? Actually, it’s pretty easy. You recognize it by noticing when you’re suffering emotionally. Whenever you’re hurting you can see, if you want to look, that it’s your thoughts that are causing you pain. You think you know something and you think you know how things should be.

The pain you’re feeling is a reminder to question your thoughts: Do I really know what Joan meant by that remark or that behavior? And even if I do, do I really know it shouldn’t have happened or should have happened in a different way? Can you successfully play God and know absolutely that your way is better than the way it is? Questioning, you may find, will take you out of judgment and resistance to what is. When that happens you’re back in quiet peacefulness, simply noticing life as it unfolds. Dating can be just a delightful adventure again, in all its diversity.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer