81. Happiness isn’t striving for a partner, it’s just enjoying the dating ride

Basically everything we do, we do because we think it’ll make us happy. That’s true of dating in these later years also. Most people in their 50s, 60s or beyond have had partners, usually in marriage, and they want a partner again. Why? Because we think that’ll make us happier.

But it’s easy to confuse happiness with acquiring something (or someone, in this case), when actually happiness is our natural state. Look at small babies. Unless they’re physically uncomfortable (hungry, wet, sleepy, etc.) they’re never unhappy. They’re content, they smile and laugh easily, and their lives have no problems, literally. You might say, “Sure, but they aren’t old enough to realize the worries of the world.” And you’d be right, in one sense.

On the other hand, just because we’ve had years of experiences and we can justify having a lot to be anxious or unhappy about, we don’t have to live in emotional suffering. Instead, we can live happily even before we’ve found Mr. or Ms. Right. Think of this: Everything you’ve ever gotten that you wanted has only made you happy for a short time. The sparkle has always worn off, whether it’s a new job, a new house or a new husband. Restlessness returns and we’re back in the struggle again, this time for a new acquisition that’ll make us happy once again.

But since our natural state is only a state of uncaused joy, our striving to acquire seemingly blocks that joy. In reality, though, the joy is always there just like the sun is always there even when it seems to be blocked by a cloud. If you still wonder whether contentment and joy is our natural state think of yourself when you’ve had times of being totally in the present with some activity, whether it’s lying on your back watching the clouds on a summer day, or quietly strolling a beach, or fully engaged in creating something. Isn’t there just a natural, timeless ease and quiet happiness at those times?

When you see this you have the option to get attached to the “need” for a partner to be happy, or to just stay with the uncaused joy that’s your true nature. Now, am I saying don’t date and don’t look for a new partner? No, not at all. I’m only saying that you can do all that with a sense of adventure and ease and fun if – and this is a big if – IF… you don’t believe you “need” a partner to be happy.

If you’re attached to the idea that you need a partner to be fulfilled and happy, dating becomes a chore, full of drudgery and discontent. There’s always tension: “Will this be the right one? Did I talk too much? Should I have appeared to be more interested in sports? Will she date me again? I wonder where this is going?” And on and on and on.

Without attaching to the idea that you “need” a partner though, you simply let the moment take care of the moment. You let go of the idea of some reward in the future – which only blocks your enjoyment of what is, right now – and simply enjoy this, as it is. Most of us have the tendency to think it’s going to be better later on. We’ve lived our whole lives thinking that – when this happens I’ll be happy, when I have that right guy or gal, then I’ll be content. But have you noticed it never works that way? Be happy now, in this moment, just accepting what is, even if what is seems boring for a time. You can just be with the feeling of being bored and see what it reveals.

You don’t find real happiness by following the right path and waiting for a future, all the while living in stress and unhappiness. You get to it by just watching the flow of life in the moment and relaxing into this Presence that’s always here and nearly always overlooked. In that mode the whole process of dating is just an easy happening – just a normal part of life as it unfolds. Be the leaf floating down the stream and enjoy the ride.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer