85. What is love? Is it a throbbing heart or something else?

We’re dating at this age – at any age, actually – because we want love. But what is love? It’s easy to give a sentimental or romantic description of what love is. Most of us would probably include warm, glowing feelings in that description. We think of a pitter-pattering heart, and feelings of excitement and passion. Did you happen to notice that those feelings come when we’re thinking our partner is absolutely wonderful and can do no wrong?

In other words, that feeling of love we have, comes when we’re not criticizing and judging the other person. But most of what we call love in our society is more like a business deal, in reality. We love someone as long as they do what we want them to do. When they do what they want and it’s different from what we want, love often suddenly goes out the window. So was it love or was it a barter?

Over a period of years I was involved in a variety of programs I hoped would show me how to be more self-aware. Often the work I did was in small groups, and these meetings were revealing and intense. One thing I noticed is that people felt so much relief when they could share whatever was bothering them and feel safe, knowing the information wouldn’t be used against them. They weren’t being judged.

It’s obviously not our true nature to be judgmental because if you notice, when you judge others you don’t feel peaceful and happy. Judging results in a tight, constricting kind of feeling. Simply allowing your date or partner to be as they are can enliven your dating experiences and allow you to feel the inner happiness that’s also part of our nature when we’re not covering it with our accusations and judgments.

Of course when your partner isn’t feeling judged her need to protect herself and be on guard drops away. What’s left then, for both of you, is the natural sense of inner happiness and love that is the essence of who we all are when the self-centered, judgmental ego is out of the way.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer