88. Valentine surprise! You feel love when you're giving it, not getting

Valentine’s Day is near and love is in the air. So let’s talk about it: What is love? You’re reading this article because you’re a mature man or woman, interested in dating to find another relationship. If I asked you what you wanted, bottom line, you’d probably say something like, “I want love”. It’s natural for us to think that someone will come along that stirs our hearts, and when we get that flutter of romance we’ll feel love. In other words, we’ll feel love when the other person gives us love.

But did you know it doesn’t work that way? We don’t feel love when someone gives us love. No. We feel love when we’re giving love, either to others or to ourselves. Isn’t that good news? I’ll say it again: We don’t have to wait for someone to love us to feel love; we can feel love any time, and it happens when we’re giving love.

That’s kind of a rash statement isn’t it? So let’s check it out and see if it’s really true. We’ll use a hypothetical example. Let’s say June is at a party. June is 63 years old and is beginning to date after her husband died two years ago. She was in a good marriage for many years, but her husband had the habit of criticizing her, and over the years her sense of self-worth had shrunk. So though she’s an attractive woman, she doesn’t have a very good sense of herself as a woman, and she’s quite critical of herself.

At the party Del comes up, introduces himself and begins a warm conversation with her. He’s clearly attracted to her and compliments her easily. But does June take in those compliments and feel love? No. She thinks Del is a handsome guy but he’s only trying to make her feel good because he’s nice. She knows he doesn’t really believe what he’s saying.

Now, let’s say we’ve got the same scene. But this time Susan is the woman at the party. Susan has a good sense of herself. She too is a widow of a few years but her husband had always told her how pretty she looked and how much he valued her opinions. Del starts the same warm conversation with her and compliments her. Does she take in those compliments and feel loved? Yes, she feels his warmth and sees his attentiveness, and it occurs to her that this guy may be a new partner some day.

So what have we got here? We’ve got the same Del, saying the same things with the same honesty and sincerity. Yet Susan feels love and June doesn’t. You know this isn’t a fairy tale. You know from your own life that this hypothetical scene happens all the time. It’s probably happened to you at some time, when you just couldn’t accept that anyone would actually think well of you because you’re feeling so down on yourself at that moment.

Since Susan feels love and June doesn’t, in the same circumstance, it’s obviously not Del who makes the difference. The feeling of love and warmth Susan has is because Del has become a mirror for her own sense of herself. The good news is that anyone, even an animal, can mirror our love back to us. Think of the love you feel, even for just a moment, when you hold a baby or pet a favorite animal. The baby can smile and a cat may purr but it’s pretty clear that the love you feel comes from your giving, not because you’re receiving something. Or take another example. Let’s say you’ve given money to a charity to help people who have been struck by a disaster. You feel love don’t you?

When you’re constantly looking to someone else to fill your need for love, at the same time you’re also holding in mind the idea that you lack love. When you keep reminding yourself you lack love, in this way, what are you going to feel? A lack of love, of course.

Love and loving is our natural state. People love to give love, and it’s only our fears and our need to protect ourselves that keep us from giving love. We all have a natural compassion for those who are hurting for instance. Isn’t that love? We want to help others when we’re not feeling coerced or abused. Isn’t that love? It’s natural in us.

Instead of looking for someone to give us love, we can try it the other way around. Give love instead. Try not being so concerned over the impression you’re making when you date. Instead, try just opening up to the man or woman you’re dating and see them without judgment and without trying to get something from them. See the hurt in them. See the longing in them. See the goodness in them. You can’t help but feel love. And isn’t love what you were looking for in the first place?

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer