124. Freedom to stay or leave doesn’t involve judging your date or partner

I recently had a conversation with a friend about how we judge when we’re dating or in a relationship. I mentioned that it’s been my experience personally and with friends that every time we judge we suffer. Sometimes it’s a subtle kind of suffering and sometimes it’s horrendous. Judging is any time we think someone or something should not be the way it is and that it should change. The emotional turmoil judging causes shows up in our bodies as some kind of discomfort or suffering.

My friend, Jess, questioned me. “If you don’t judge someone how will you ever decide whether to spend time with them or not?” he said. “I have to judge them to know whether to stay or leave.” But judgment is about right/wrong and good/bad behavior. To judge is to think something should be different.

It can be easy to feel that if we don’t judge someone as bad or wrong we’re just trapped with them and their behavior. But that isn’t the case. We don’t have to decide that someone needs to change and judge them for their behavior. If we feel locked into them and think they must change so we can be happy we’re on the wrong track.

Instead, we can simply see them as they are, without judgment, and then make a selection or a choice to either stay with them or not. Their behavior doesn’t need to change at all unless they want it to change and are willing to look at themselves and their beliefs.

So if you’re judging someone as a way to give yourself permission to not be with them, that’s not necessary. Instead, you can see that they are who they are and that’s their business. You can also see that you’d prefer to spend time with someone else. That way you’re free and you don’t get caught in the trap of thinking you have to force change on someone so you can have happiness. When there’s no judgment there’s acceptance and peace. We could also call that love. When there’s judgment there’s turmoil, manipulation control and unkindness – not what I’d call love. And the one judging suffers.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer