126. “Know the truth and the truth will set you free,” especially in dating

Painful emotions that shock us can erupt sometimes as we date, even in these mature years. Hal, a friend of mine in his 50s, told me a couple of years ago about a woman he was dating (we’ll call her Julie) who got upset at a conference they were attending because he spent time talking to another woman. In her hurt and anger she made some pretty nasty, derisive comments about him.

Later, after she had cooled down a bit she apologized, saying, “I’m sorry I said those things. That’s just not me. It’s not who I am.” Hal cared a lot for Julie but he knew he had to be honest with her. So he accepted her apology then said as diplomatically but also honestly as he knew how, “You say that isn’t you. But if that’s true who said those things? Wasn’t that you in those moments?”

Julie was devastated. “I guess you must be right,” she said. “What I said was mean and hurtful; if I’m such a terrible person why do you even spend time with me?” Hal told her he didn’t think she was a terrible person. Instead he felt some painful thing from her past had probably gotten triggered. But he knew if she didn’t admit that her uncontrolled anger was part of who she was, she’d never be able to look it in the eye and deal with it. Thanks to her courage, Julie did just that. Later she thanked Hal for being honest and confronting her with something she didn’t want to face.

Truth always works. It’s worked for centuries and seeing the unvarnished truth is what all the spiritual teachers have pointed to over the years. If we sugar-coat what we see and how we feel with a date or partner it may prevent having to deal with a painful problem at the time. But eventually, as we spend more time with our partner, sugar-coating to keep peace wears pretty thin. Then we say what’s really on our minds and the turmoil we thought we were avoiding flares up anyway.

The only reason we’d be dishonest in our romantic relationships is that we want something we’re afraid we’ll lose. The truth, as Hal told it, is what I call love. It’s not the gooshey, lovey-dovey love people usually think of in a romance. But it’s real love because it isn’t manipulative. In fact, he knew Julie might walk away. But he told the truth anyway. And his honesty gave Julie a chance to see and deal with an issue that may bring her peace for years in the future if she’s willing to question her behavior honestly. It also no doubt helped their relationship.

Anger flare-ups nearly always happen as a result of some trauma from the past that isn’t resolved. A current matter triggers memories and feelings of the past and whoosh! we’ve got instant anger. It’s usually anger that has virtually nothing to do with the person we think is the cause, and who only happened to be the trigger. It’s like a mountain erupting, or an ice berg, nearly all the hurt is buried stuff that has nothing to do with the moment.

When we think we need the love and affection of someone we’ll do almost anything to get it or keep it, including lying and sugar-coating. The saying isn’t, “Know the lie and the lie will set you free.” No, it’s, “Know the truth and the truth will set you free.”

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer