125. Ahhh, dating contentment and joy

Margo was a woman I knew some years ago. As with most of us, she had had some experiences in her past that caused her to sometimes be splintered in her feelings and actions. Her husband had died and as she began to date again, in her 60s, she was surprised – even appalled – to see that dating triggered in her a lot of emotions she hadn’t really noticed or needed to face before. When she saw that, she immediately began to take steps to look into herself and examine the truth so she could be free of these emotional demons and be happy in her life and dating.

What Margo first noticed as she dated was that she became instantly and extremely jealous any time she felt threatened by her date’s attention to another woman. Even if he talked about women he’d known before they met she felt jealous. She knew that was crazy but the feelings still popped up and she felt completely out of control. Margo had totally trusted her late husband so jealousy didn’t come up during the 30-some years of her marriage. But she began to realize those hot, jealous feelings she was now experiencing were the same ones she had experienced in her 20s, before her marriage.

She was surprised that those hurt feelings became white-hot anger in just a flash. Even worse, she was devastated to realize she was expressing that hot anger with the explosion of a volcano and sometimes in some harsh and even crude ways. She wasn’t being the person she thought she was. As she began to question her behavior she saw that jealousy wasn’t the only time those hot feelings flashed. They also surfaced when she was in a competitive position and felt that she may lose, such as in a board game. And she saw that she could be fiery and forceful when it came to being right in a discussion with someone. She definitely did not want to lose.

Someone once said that emotions like these are all sparks from the same fire. Sparks seem separate and look different from the fire but they’re all from the same source. In the same way the events in Margo’s life appeared different, the situations were different but she started to realize the source, the fire, was the same. For Margo it seemed to stem from some belief that she was inadequate, not good enough. So she constantly had to prove herself as equal, always with the fear that she was going to lose. That brought the fear of losing a man she was interested in and the fear of losing respect if she turned out to be wrong in a discussion or a card game. It was a big deal for her to be equal and she remembered discussions with her husband before they were married, and in her dating life now, where she pointedly emphasized that she was “equal to any man” as she used to put it.

Almost all of us have innocently picked up ideas from childhood and our earlier life that we used at the time to survive. They got us through the painful times in the best way we knew at the time. In our innocence we did the best we could. They were our survival strategies at the time. The problem is when we carry them into adulthood and unconsciously they become our definition of who we are. As adults we’re still doing the best we know how, but from these defensive stances we’ve taken on we find ourselves always wanting to be right, or always resisting our date or partner, or always trying to force people into seeing life our way. Life is a constant struggle for us as we try to be good enough so we can feel secure and safe. We never get to relax and just be.

Many people are racing recklessly through life because they don’t want to slow down and feel the pain that’s always with them. Yet some acknowledge the constant suffering within and realize nothing “out there” has ever stopped the suffering. So for the first time in their lives some people in their 50s, or 60s or 70s finally stop and ask if there’s a better way. That stopping is itself the end of suffering because it’s the end of judgmental thoughts, at least for a moment.

Our view of life and our beliefs about life aren’t solid and immovable as they sometimes seem to be. They’re only thoughts. We don’t have to get rid of them, any more than we have to get rid of a ghost, because they never really existed. They’re just phantom concepts that never were.

A prominent and highly-respected East Indian sage, Nisargadatta Maharaj, used to say, “Understanding is all.” He meant to see life as it is rather than seeing life through our “it should be my way” filters. Other spiritual masters would tell their students over and over again, “Question yourself. Look to see, who are you?” They remind us not to believe what we think, including the idea that we’re in charge of life and have to make it go our way.

When we look consciously we can’t find a “me” in this body-machine we call “I”. If it’s there we should be able to locate it somewhere. Since the ego-I idea is the source of all our suffering it may be worth looking for. The looking has to be serious, however. It can’t be like reading a menu. It has to be like eating the meal. You may discover that all the painful, emotional suffering is sparks from just one fire – that self-centered idea of “me”. From that follows all the judgments about how life should be. And it’s only those judgments that cause us to suffer.

When you douse that ego-me fire that thinks it has all the answers, where are the painful sparks? Then there’s just life, just being, and it can be a wonderful adventure as we date, find a partner and let life live us as it will anyway. No struggle, no jealousy because who is there who needs to be right or worry about losing someone? Without a phantom “me” with its right/wrong stories we can just relax and be in life. Ah, contentment!

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer