130. Her unexamined assumption caused her a lot of grief

A description in a book I’ve been reading told how a guy learned there was no Santa Claus when he was a kid. He said he saw his parents putting presents under the tree, and in that instant his belief in Santa was gone forever. His story reminded me how our assumptions and basic false beliefs lead us into so much emotional struggle. And how just seeing reality as it is breaks that mold and frees us from our pain.

When this guy saw there was no Santa his belief in Santa was gone forever – in an instant. He didn’t have to go around reminding himself regularly that there was no Santa after all. He didn’t have to use any will power to stop worrying about Santa being wedged in someone’s chimney and not getting to his house. He simply saw reality as it is and all the thoughts and concepts associated with his false belief dropped on their own because they were based on the false premise that he now saw through. It’s like cutting a tree at the root. You don’t have to cut the limbs from it. All the limbs and leaves fall too.

In life – and it comes up a lot in dating at this age I’ve noticed – we suffer often from false, unexamined assumptions and beliefs. We haven’t learned to question those basic, untrue beliefs, and as we believe them we live by them and therein lies our hurt. Making assumptions and interpretations is one of the major ways we tend to live by faulty beliefs and suffer as a result. Here’s an example. Some years ago Del, a friend of mine, was in a committed relationship with Sally, a woman he’d known several years. Together they were looking at beach property Del was considering buying. As they talked with the sales agent Del introduced Sally as “my friend.” Immediately Sally said, “Well, I hope I’m more than just a friend,” and the sales agent looked kind of awkward as he glanced from Del to Sally and back again, probably wondering what was coming next. The conversation continued.

Later when they were alone Sally confronted Del. “Why did you have to tell him I was your friend? Aren’t I more than that to you? Was it even his business to know anything about our relationship?” Del explained that he was simply introducing her to the sales person to be polite and so the salesman could understand her role there. He pointed out that he could have called her his ‘very best’ friend, or use some other descriptive term but he felt ‘friend’ was all that was needed in this situation where they would be talking to a sales agent for no more than 15 minutes.

After a long and sometimes heated discussion it finally turned out that Sally was actually upset because she thought Del was putting her in her place. “I think the real reason you called me only your friend was to let me know buying property was your decision and I wasn’t included,” she said. Del was taken aback. That hadn’t even occurred to him. For him the introduction was just that, a simple statement of their relationship, following social custom.

Later, after she investigated her angry reaction Sally came back to Del and admitted that she really did want to be his friend. It was only her assumption that he was giving her a message through his introduction to the sales agent that had caused her all the pain she felt. From that assumption she had built her own story about how Del didn’t care for her as much as she’d thought, how he wants to keep her at arm’s length, and on and on and on.

Del saw Sally as a fine person, a woman in her 60s who had raised a good family and was now widowed. She was probably unaware that her fear of losing a relationship was so strong and that it would show itself in such an eruptive and spontaneous way based on a simple comment.

Most of us don’t get riled up instantly because we consciously choose that. In my experience it happens because we’ve got unexamined assumptions about life, and they pop up and seemingly control us. We can’t think straight because all our thoughts are based on a faulty foundation. What we can do, however, is not be so quick to believe our emotions. Instead we can take a look and see what is the underlying thought that brings on that strong emotion. Is that thought accurate? Do we really know that what we think is true? Is it possible we’ve jumped to an erroneous conclusion – in the case of Del and Sally was it true that Del was trying to put her in her place? If she had asked him she’d have known.

When you see there’s not really a Santa Claus you no longer worry if he’s going to get to your house. All worries drop when the belief is gone. When you see your assumptions as just thoughts that could be wrong, all the subsequent thoughts and emotions built on that lie fall away at the same time. It isn’t an act of will power. You don’t go around saying, “I will not get upset again. I will not get upset again.” No, you simply investigate your basic belief and see if it’s true. If you see that it’s not true nothing else is needed, just as you no longer grab a pail and head to a mirage for water after you’ve once examined a mirage and seen its unreality.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer