136. Can you truly say “I love you” when your actions are hurtful?

As we date in these later years of life what are we really seeking? Most mature daters I’ve talked to say they want to share love – to give it and feel it coming back from someone they’re close to. But what actually is this thing we call love? Is it a thought, an emotion? Do we know we love someone when we can’t get enough of them and love is new?

How do we actually measure love? The age-worn statement “Actions speak louder than words” may be a good way. Words are easy to say but they’re not a very good measuring stick. Another cliché: “What you are speaks so loudly I can’t hear what you say” also applies here I think. Both these statements refer to the fact that words that aren’t lived out in action aren’t worth much. So if we were to look at behavior to get a picture of love what would that look like?

You’d probably agree that the picture of loving behavior wouldn’t be a picture of someone purposely hurting another person, either in words or actions. We couldn’t expect people to believe us if we say we love someone then treat them badly. Yet that’s what happens in a lot of ‘love’ relationships. Sometimes there’s physical abuse but more often there’s emotional abuse, in the form of words and manipulative actions such as disapproving frowns, raised eyebrows, screaming voices, or no voice at all – withholding communication. All these ways are aimed at punishing our dating partner. The aim is to hurt. We think if they hurt enough they’ll do what we want, or stop doing what we don’t want.

But is that love? Isn’t love when we don’t judge our partner, when we’re not trying to force them to become who we want them to be? Aren’t the words, “I love you” meaningless if they’re not backed up with actions that, in fact, speak a lot louder? We may think that because this person is our partner we have the right to try to change them so the relationship will work better. After all, we’re not happy with the way they are. But is it someone else’s job to make us happy? Isn’t it their job just to be themselves?

Instead of trying to change someone, which is never caring and loving, maybe we could see the alternative, which is to accept them as they are even if we choose not to be with them. After all, we don’t have to stay in a relationship. We can find someone else better suited to us.

Realizing we’re free to leave can put a whole new angle on our relationship. When we don’t feel like a victim we might even be able to see that our partners are really just fine the way they are. We can be happy without the need for anyone else to change at all. All we need to do is stop thinking they have the power to make or break our happiness. When we’re not trying to change reality (in this case who another person is) we feel peaceful inside. We realize we don’t have to hurt someone so we can be happy.

When we’re not judging we feel relaxed and at ease. You can see in your own direct experience that nonjudgment is our natural state. It’s called just being. That’s how babies can be so serene and content. They’re just being. To me that’s love

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer