135. You can’t solve dating problems by assigning blame and finding fault

At this stage of life we probably all know that having disagreements in a relationship is just what happens. Each partner comes from a different background so it’s natural we won’t always see things the same way. A disagreement, however, is not a conflict unless one or both people makes judgments about the other. Then there’s discomfort and unease, for whoever is making judgments. And someone definitely is, otherwise there wouldn’t be a conflict.

When conflict starts it’s not uncommon for someone to start talking about who’s wrong and who’s at fault. Generally, the idea is to pin blame; it’s a right/wrong game. Each partner often wants to be right and blame the other for being the cause of the problem. It’s unrealistic to talk about a problem as though it’s a problem with the relationship, though, because a relationship isn’t an entity and it can’t have a problem. ‘Relationship’ is just a word that describes the interaction between two people.

Yet if there’s a problem in a relationship what does that mean? Simply stated it just means that one or both people are suffering. So rather than try to assign right and wrong to someone it makes more sense to just ask yourself: Am I hurting? If so, I’ve got a problem. Does the other person have a problem too? That’s not our business and we couldn’t solve it even if we knew the answer.

No matter what we’re unhappy with in life – whether it’s about dating or feeling left out by our grown kids – the problem is always our problem. After all, we’re the one who’s hurting and we’re the only one who can fix the hurt. How do you do that? The answer is to look and see what we’re making judgments about. Emotional pain is always about judging, which is thinking something should be different from the way it is. You can check your own life to find out that’s true.

When you’re hurting emotionally investigate your beliefs. What are you sure you have the right answer for? Drop the judgments and let life be the way it is and immediately you’re free of pain. And Voila! All of a sudden there’s no problem in the relationship.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer