151. Is being “too nice” really being kind?

I read an interesting article recently about men who are always “too nice”. But the same thing applies to some women. And it applies in virtually any kind of relationship, from romance to relatives.

Since we’re talking about senior or mature dating here, however, let’s take a look at it from this perspective. Dating in these years can often take on a different flavor than it did in earlier years. There can be the feeling that life is passing me by and I’m not getting any younger. So a sense of desperation can set in. And that can easily lead to trying too hard to please a potential partner, or being too nice.

But is that kind of behavior really being nice? Or is it being dishonest and manipulative? Have you ever noticed that you’re angry when the person you’re dating doesn’t do what you want? What’s that anger about? Isn’t that manipulation, a childish way to try to get her to change? Being “too nice” is exactly the same thing – manipulation that shows up in a different form. Whether it’s anger or being extra nice, the aim is to get the other person to do what you want. You want to manipulate him so you can control the outcome of your relationship.

If you notice yourself being extra nice in your dating just notice your phoniness and see if you really do want to manipulate the other person. In the long run will this work? Will your date eventually see through it, especially when you start demanding things in return for all you’ve done? Have you ever heard someone say – or maybe you’ve said it yourself – “Why would you do that? I would never do that!” Or “That’s not fair; after all, look at all I’ve done for you.” Aren’t those words expecting that your partner should be giving back to you for all you’ve given?

If so, did you really give freely, without strings? Or were you being “extra nice” because you wanted something? We can live in that kind of manipulation if we want, but it usually had two painful consequences. One is that it feels stressful and phony, and the other is that it’s guaranteed not to work and you’ll hurt further in the long run. After all, how can you keep giving inauthentically and not begin to resent the other person? And when your resentment shows up, won’t the other person feel used and deceived?

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer