152. Which is it, keeping your word or living spontaneously and authentically?

Most of us have been taught to tell the truth and to live by our commitments. But have you ever thought that those two statements can easily be in opposition to each other? “If you say you’re going to do something, then do it,” is the message we’ve gotten. But is that always telling the truth? What if you change your mind? I knew a woman from Oregon once who said she married her first husband because she was at a party with him when they were dating, and suddenly he announced to the room that they were getting married.

This was a bright, educated woman, not given to stretching the truth. But what she said was that after he told everyone they were getting married, and she hadn’t denied it because she didn’t know what to say, she felt she’d made a tacit commitment. “I honestly didn’t know what to say or how to get out of it without hurting his feelings, so the marriage took place,” she told me. She had made a commitment she thought.

But what about this idea of always doing what you said you’d do? Can you always do that and still be true to yourself and honest? Probably not. No one I know can predict the future, including what they may feel like doing in the future. Let’s say you say you’ll go dancing with someone Saturday night, and later realize that that doesn’t really feel right for you at all. Do you call him and say you’re not going? What happens if you go and you really don’t want to be there? Do you think you or your partner will have a good time?

“But,” you say, “that doesn’t seem fair and I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.” I agree, you probably wouldn’t want to do that often because your dating friend would likely stop dating you. But is it true that you can really hurt someone’s feelings? They decide whether your words or actions hurt them don’t they? Instead of doing what you don’t want to do maybe letting yourself know your truth and then living that is more important.

The truth is always right now. For example, maybe you love chocolate ice cream. Then you and your friend order ice cream and you ask for strawberry. Are you being inconsistent? No, you’re really just being spontaneously honest. That moment you want strawberry.

Rather than feel trapped by a commitment you’ve made, you might find dating a lot less stressful and more fun if you just operate from the truth. It just isn’t true that you have to forecast what you’re going to want to do in the future and then stick with your forecast when it doesn’t feel right. Spontaneous living is just letting Life live through us as it will, without trying to control outcomes or make predictions.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer