153. Thoughts cause suffering, whether it’s losing a daughter or a relationship

I have a friend I don’t see or talk to very often whose oldest daughter died about three weeks ago. This woman, in her early 40’s, had Lupus and other ailments and had been sickly most of her life. My friend, I’ll call her Lola, called to talk about ways to handle her grief. Most of the time she was doing well, she said. But other times she wallowed in suffering and pain. “I don’t know how to stay out of that pain when it comes,” she said.

Whether we’re dealing with the death of someone close or the loss of a relationship, the suffering can seem unbearable at times. Lola had done some questioning of life before this, and wasn’t new to seeing life honestly. But she got stuck sometimes, she realized. So basically I simply reminded her of what she appeared to have forgotten - that thought is always the cause of our suffering. When you’re in dreamless sleep at night there’s no pain. That’s simple proof.

What Lola noticed, as we talked, was that most of the time when she hurt it was when she thought about how her daughter was too young to die, and that she should have had a healthy life. Questions would come like, “Why did this happen to her? How could I have been more caring and helpful?”

But those are all thoughts that argue with reality. Reality is just what is. In this case, what is, is that her daughter lived exactly as long as she was meant to live. Her life wasn’t cut short unless we say so. Without that thought her life was just what it was, as is true for all of us. Lola felt it was helpful to be reminded that it was only her thoughts that were bringing her pain. None of her pain, she realized, was helping anyone, so why not live in reality instead?

It’s the same with the end of a relationship. You may have had plans to spend your life with someone you’re dating. And then it ends. We customarily tell ourselves it shouldn’t have ended. But can we really live clearly when we’re arguing with the facts? Besides the hurt and pain we cause ourselves, we can’t effectively move on with that kind of thinking. There’s no clarity because we’re starting with a muddled assumption. The assumption is that “I know how it should be”. And we say this staring in the face of how it is.

Always, always, always it’s our resistance to what is that brings on our suffering. No resistance, no pain. If you’re hurting in any way because of relationship turmoil ask yourself, “Do I really want to argue with what’s happening or do I want to simply see it as Life, unfolding as it does?” Which feels more peaceful? Isn’t that a clue as to which view is truthful and which is a lie we’ve created?

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer