266. Communication usually isn’t the problem in dating relationships, judgment is

The inability to communicate is often cited as the problem between couples in relationships. Just because we’re in the mature stages of our lives doesn’t mean the ability to communicate with one another has improved. It only improves when people are willing to look at life realistically and be honest with themselves. Honesty often means we have to let go of our precious stories. We have to let go of being right and making the other person wrong.

We all know that a lot more than words are communicated when we’re speaking to each other. In romantic relationships that’s especially true because we know each other well enough to know what hurts the other, and sometimes we want to be hurtful.

However, when we’re not judging our partner we don’t need to hurt them in an effort to make them change. We don’t feel they’re responsible for our feelings so we’re not angry and trying to control them. When we’re enjoying a person for who they are as they are we usually communicate clearly. If we say, “Let’s go out to dinner,” that’s what we mean.

If we’re upset with our partner, though, and think they should be different, the words, “Let’s go out to dinner,” could be said with anger or that look of disgust we’re known for, and the meaning is clear: “You’re an idiot and the least you owe me is a nice dinner,” for example.

Communication is hardly ever the problem when two people really want to listen to each other and feel respect and care for each other. It may take us a few tries but we’ll almost certainly be able to eventually communicate what we mean and be understood.

So it’s not communication that’s the problem. It’s judgment that’s the problem. When we’re upset with our partner because we think they should be different we manipulate our communication to try to control them and make them do what we want. Our manipulation is unmistakable. It’s not honest communication and it never builds love.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer