268. Your insecurities can have you living in mature dating hell
The desire for security drives a lot of actions in life, and it sure shows up regularly in dating, especially in these mature or senior years. We want things pinned down. We want to know what’s going to happen next. We want things buttoned up and firmly fixed so we’ll know where we stand. We don’t want any painful surprises.
Veronica is a friend of mine who recently began seeing Chet, a man who had been divorced many years ago and has been alone since then. She told me she and Chet had been together three or four times and were getting along great. But apparently Chet was feeling uneasy. He called my friend and said he wanted to discuss some things that were important for him. He said he needed to know: Was she really invested in knowing him? How serious was she? Why didn’t she call him more often? What did she see their relationship looking like? He said he just wanted to know so he wouldn’t waste a lot of time and emotional energy on something that might not be going any place.
Chet’s concerns aren’t abnormal. But are they realistic? Would he really be able to feel secure if he had some answers? The truth is that life has no security, and we all know that when we examine it closely. You can have the most permanent, secure love relationship in the world and your partner gets killed in a traffic smashup. Or dies of cancer. Or finds someone new.
When we want security it’s because we think we have some control over life – our life. We want to prop it up and make sure it looks exactly the way we want it to look. But that’s a myth. There just ain’t no such thing, have you noticed? Life unfolds as it does and it doesn’t care a whit about our opinions and desires. Whatever this intelligent energy is that expresses itself through all the intricate functioning of our bodies and the planets is dictating the whole show.
We can watch it unfold in peace, and be in heaven. Or we can push and shove and try to control things and live in hell.
Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer
1 comment:
Chuck,
I've just found your blog and I cannot begin to tell you refreshing and enligtening I'm finding it. I've been a fan of Mel Ash for many years - "Shaving the Inside of Your Skull" - is one of my favorite books of his. I've begun dating again after a severe loss and nearly two decades of being with someone. I'm finding the challenges of dating in my late 40's even more frustrating than in my teen years! I do know that a large part of it comes from my own baggage and from trying NOT to focus on the accumulated luggage of some of the dating partners I've chosen. I need to be reminded that the only person causing any frustration/anxiety/neediness in my life is ME - and the choices I make. Thanks for the refresher course! Timshel.
Nannerlh
St. Louis
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