261. When one myth about mature dating drops a whole host of others drop with it

What happens in dating is the only thing that could happen because that’s what did happen. There’s one operating principle (many call it God) in this world so how could it make a mistake? We can’t have a problem with dating and relationships unless we believe our thoughts about them. This morning I was talking with a woman about these ideas and she said, “I just keep repeating these dumb mistakes.” I asked her, “Can you really know what you did was a mistake in the big scheme of the world?” After pondering the question a bit she said, “No, I don’t really know that.”

She had believed her thought that some action she took was a mistake, and along with that came her judgment that it was dumb. But when “mistake” goes do you notice that “dumb” goes with it? “Mistake” was never real so it can’t stand up to scrutiny and serious questioning. And “dumb” was also just a myth tied to the first myth. When one goes the other goes… and that’s not even true. They don’t actually go because they were never there in the first place. It was all illusion.

That’s how the mind works; it appears to make real something that was never real in the first place, such as a statement like, “I should have a partner.” With that come thoughts like, “There must be something wrong with me.” “I have to find ways to be more attractive.” “If I just put on a happier face maybe then I’d find a partner.” Each statement is like the judgment “dumb” above. It’s the fantasy child of a fantasy woman, the first belief: “I should have a partner.”

The way you know you don’t need a partner right now is that you don’t have one. Tomorrow you may have a partner but in this very moment what you have is what you have, and fighting it is creating a war with reality that you’ll always lose. Without that war you just have life, as it is, which is totally satisfying once we give up the idea that it should be our way rather than the way it is.

Sometimes people ask me, “Does that mean I shouldn’t put my profile in the personals to find dates and a partner?” The answer is no, you simply do what you’re moved to do as part of the functioning of the world, but without needing a particular result. The joy is in the happening in the moment. You simply enjoy the process, watching the mystery of life unfold and realizing that you’re part of the unfolding along with everything else. No one ever put us in charge; we just thought so.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer