200. Authentic mature dating relationships aren’t built on fantasy and illusion

In the dating world have you noticed how easy it is for people to fall in love with their romantic fantasies? I met a woman several years ago who was saying, “Let’s go to France! Let’s go to Branson, Missouri!” after we’d only seen each other a couple of times, for coffee and lunch. I told her I didn’t know her well enough to even consider trips like that at such an early time in our friendship, and a few weeks later I chose to stop seeing her because I knew she was dealing in fantasies that would eventually bite me.

A Zen master is quoted as having said, “Do not seek the truth; simply cease cherishing illusions.” Whether his words are applied to seeking a spiritual truth or to dating relationships they’re right on. We too often fall in love with our images and fantasies and when the air clears and we see reality we wonder why things didn’t work. The amazing thing is that the red flags appear to always be there. Over the last dozen years or so I’ve dated a number of women who have told stories of disillusionment with past relationships, where they eventually felt hurt and deceived. I’ve literally asked almost all of them, “As you look back now were there any red flags that you didn’t pay attention to at the time?” And the answer I’ve gotten every single time is, “Oh yes, there were flags; I just didn’t want to pay attention to them.” They were in love with their cherished illusions, not reality.

You see that lived out in cases where women who are physically abused continue to stay with their partners, apparently not able to see that reality says, After being abused one or two times it’s time to leave. Instead, they appear to believe their cherished illusion that this time the guy will really change, and sometimes they die for that belief.

What I’ve learned is that any time someone thinks you’re a princess or a prince – or you think that of someone else – you’re almost certainly dealing in illusion. In the nitty-gritty of everyday life, which is where we live when all the fancies and fantasies are finished, life isn’t about a fairy tale. It’s about loving someone as they are, not as we imagine them to be. Fantasies never last long. Reality lasts because it’s authentic and real. It has the soul-satisfying depth of truth and honest love.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer