201. No wonder mature dating is painful and disappointing if you add your own interpretations and warp the truth

If you’ve read a few of the entries in this blog you’ve seen that I’m suggesting your dating can be easy and fun when you stop looking “out there” to find happiness and instead start looking “in here”. We each create the world we live in every moment; it’s all projection. When we clear up the projector lens rather than try to clean the spot off the screen we find success. The projector lens, of course, is the filter through which we see the world. When you’re seeing through a purple filter everything appears purple. (Note the word “appears”.)

It works like this: The guy you’re dating says something, you put meaning onto it, you react and respond based on the meaning you added, and you don’t even notice that’s what you’ve done. What you’re reacting to is not what he said but what you heard and what you attached to what he said. This is just one example of how we so often don’t see “what is” but only what we “think” about what is. We believe our thoughts, see them as reality, and act on the lie we’ve just projected. We're at the front of the theater trying to clean the black smudge off the screen, not realizing we put the spot on the lens. In fact, we’re always living in the world we create, never the same world anyone else lives in. It’s all personal and it’s all projection.

A few years ago I attended a sponsored dinner with a woman I was dating. Wine was being served and during dinner she excused herself to leave the table. I casually remarked, “Are you going to get another glass of wine?” Instantly she gave me “that look” and became cold and distant. Later she was able to talk about her reaction, telling me she thought I was criticizing her for drinking too much. That hadn’t even entered my mind; it was entirely her own projection and her response sprang from her belief about what I’d said, not what I actually said.

That’s why questioning our thoughts is so important if we want to date happily and without stress and suffering. Without investigating and seeing reality as it is we usually believe our thoughts and create all kinds of pain for ourselves – in dating and in every other part of our lives.

A balanced mind is always at ease, not for or against anything, simply seeing life the way it is. When you stop accepting your habitual way of seeing life and question your thoughts you’ll find dating can be an exciting adventure, full of surprises, full of fun – peaceful, not stressful. Then dating doesn’t have to go a certain way. Any way is fine because that’s reality, and how can you argue with reality? Maybe that poor guy didn’t mean what you thought he meant. Maybe her leaving is the best thing that could happen to you. Do you clearly know life should be your way? Maybe it should be just the way it is.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer