211. The therapist even agreed that she hurt his feelings but is that possible?

Seeing life clearly isn’t always easy. Our conditioning is pretty strong. One of the things it seems we’ve all learned is that other people are often responsible for our feelings. “He hurt my feelings,” – or variations of that lament – is a common refrain.

The other day I read the opening of an advice column on relationships written by a couple, both trained as therapists – one a Ph.D. and the other an M.A. Here’s how a small portion of the dialogue went:

QUESTION: I told my husband of seven years (we have been together for a total of 15 years) that I was bored with our sex life. Now he is mad at me because I hurt his feelings….
ANSWER: …We're sure you didn't mean to hurt his feelings, but you surely did.

Really? She “surely did” hurt his feelings? I was surprised
that these well-educated counselors both agreed that this woman was responsible for her husband’s hurt feelings. When you look at reality and see the truth, though, how could that be? Could I get into the head of someone and click a switch that makes him decide to be hurt by something I said? I just don’t have that power. We always decide for ourselves whether to feel hurt or not.

Why is it important to be clear about that? Because living a peaceful, happy life comes when we deal honestly with reality, in all its forms. If I think I’m responsible for someone else’s feelings, those feelings include their happiness and their misery. That’s a huge burden I’ve taken on myself. Can I honestly do anything that would guarantee my partner’s happiness? No, of course not. Our feelings – our happiness – are always an inside job. Why try to play that role for someone else when you know you can never succeed? It doesn’t mean we won’t be kind. It doesn’t mean we won’t choose words thoughtfully if we know someone else may hurt their own feelings by what we say. But we’re never responsible, any more than we’re responsible for the weather.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer