254. Questioning your beliefs almost magically gives you peace again when you’re hurting

Have you noticed that when it comes to romantic pain will power just doesn’t work? Psychotherapists will sometimes tell clients, “Just switch your mind and don’t think about it.” Or “Get busy with other things so you don’t have time to think about the pain.” No one knows how to let go of thinking or stop it. But everyone has the ability to question their thoughts and look realistically at what’s happening.

We’ve all grown up being taught what’s good and bad and right and wrong about life. We’re sure we know what’s best for us. But the truth is we don’t even know who we are. We think we’re a person running our lives until we question and see that instead life is running us. Thoughts come out of nowhere and say, “He shouldn’t have lied to me,” “She shouldn’t have died,” “It shouldn’t be so hard to find the right person for me,” “I’m older and have wrinkles so who would want to be with me now.” But those are all thoughts we can question easily. It only takes a moment of total honesty to see that we don’t know what the heck we’re talking about. We just think we do, and that causes us a lot of pain until it’s questioned and we see the truth.

A few weeks after my wife died, I remember thinking, “She was only 54, and she shouldn’t have died so young.” Then for some reason – and this was long before I had the understanding I now have – I asked myself, “Can I be really sure her life would have been better if she had lived?” And the no that came out of that question was almost ear-splitting. Of course I couldn’t know that. At that moment it was clear that she was supposed to be dead because when I looked around she wasn’t here any longer. And it was just as clear that I was supposed to have a life because I was here, and something in me knew it was not supposed to be a life of grief and misery forever. I didn’t understand but I did see reality.

Questioning is a gentle, powerful tool that can take you instantly out of any psychological suffering you’re stuck in. It may seem too simple. It may seem crazy. But questioning takes you to the truth when you’re willing to give up what you think you know. And when you see the truth there’s nothing to resist and no way to create pain for yourself. After all, can you ever successfully argue with what is?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer