214. She built her own penalty box and put herself in it, but blamed him

A few years ago my friend Miles was dating a woman in her mid-60s that he really cared about. He said she was a kind, wonderful woman who was fun to be with and had an easy-going, cheerful manner. The only problem was that she’d sometimes get hurt easily and react with anger and withdrawal. Later she’d feel sad after she saw that her emotional outbursts came from her insecurities and that Miles wasn’t the problem.

When they talked about how he felt about her anger and hurt Miles told her honestly that he wasn’t comfortable with it and he was reluctant to get into a deeper relationship with her. She said she was working to understand herself and he replied that he’d like to continue to date and just watch to see how things played out. But that also hurt her and she referred to his watching statement as, “You’ve put me in a penalty box and now I have to wonder how long you’ll keep me there before you let me out.”

For Miles it was clear he had nothing to do with putting her in a penalty box or anywhere else. He knew he didn’t have the power to do that, nor did he have any interest in it. He was simply living his life and watching how things unfolded between them. This is a perfect example of how thoughts can build stories that seem as real as events in a dream.

We say things like, “Boy, she sure put him in his place.” But that’s never true, of course. We only put ourselves in a place and then believe it’s real. This woman had obviously mentally created her own penalty box and put herself in it, thinking she was a slave and Miles was her slave-keeper. Apparently it seemed as real to her as prison bars.

No matter how we cut it, no one ever has the power to control our thoughts or feelings about anything. The moment we start hurting while thinking it’s someone else’s fault we’re at a fork in the road. We can either irrationally blame someone and be a victim or we can see that only we control how we feel and take responsibility for buying into crazy thoughts. Guess which choice breaks down the non-existent walls of the penalty box and brings us back to peace.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer