248. Are you a controlling person? You may be surprised when you answer this question

You probably don’t think of yourself as a controlling person, and you may be right. But if you answer this question honestly you’ll know. The key to this way of knowing yourself may surprise you. The question is this: Do you ever get defensive when someone criticizes you? Yes or no, what’s your answer? I’m asking you to stop and honestly answer with just one word, yes… or no.

If you said yes you’re controlling. Here’s why. The moment you get defensive you’ve not only lost your peacefulness but you’re trying to control what someone else thinks of you. Right now you may be saying, “What the heck is he talking about? That’s crazy? It has nothing to do with wanting to control; I’m just saying what’s true.” Yes. And you’re trying to get the other person to see you the way you see you. Isn’t that wanting to control how they think and feel in that moment?

If you’re in a relationship where you get criticized you don’t have to feel hot and bothered by that criticism at all. When you feel that hot feeling of defensiveness start to well up inside you just stop for a second and ask yourself, What’s real here? What’s real is that the one criticizing you is making sounds we call words. And we see that the words are judgmental so we call them critical, which makes sense. She may not even believe them but that makes no difference. Without adding an opinion or interpreting in any way you can hear critical words coming at you.

Some years ago I dated, for a time, a really nice woman who got jealous at times. When she did she would sometimes make some cutting remarks. One of those cutting statements was, “Oh, you just have a need to be needed by other women. That’s what boosts your ego.” I didn’t see myself that way at all but I also didn’t need to defend myself. Why would I try to change what she believed? She had the right to believe whatever she wanted to believe.

Besides, the moment I tried to change her mind by defending myself I would have lost my peace of mind and I’d have lost that battle. I have no control at all over her mind, nor should I have. Being defensive and trying to control someone isn’t right or wrong it’s just not very wise because it’s like trying to control the weather. It’s hopeless.

You may choose not to spend time with people who put you down and criticize you but you don’t need to judge them either. Why would you do that? Have you criticized others before? I have, and in the heat of my hurt or anger at that time I was doing the best I knew how. Well, so is everyone else. They’re confused, that’s all. Usually their confusion includes their belief that you’ve done something that makes them hurt. They think you’re responsible for their feelings. You can see their confusion with kindness or you can feel hurt and get defensive. Being defensive is never peaceful. Seeing reality, without a story, is always peaceful.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer