62. Does real love come from feelings or from clarity and understanding?

Love is a funny word in our language. It has many meanings. People say, “I love baseball, I love that hairdo, I love this new car, I love my wife.” Obviously the same word applies to different emotions. The love you feel for baseball isn’t the same love you feel for your wife. When it comes to dating and romantic relationships the word is pretty often badly misused.

You might say you’re falling in love with the new woman you’ve been dating. But most of the time people really mean they love someone as long as that person is giving back what they want. So it’s not really love; it’s more of a trade. When your partner does something kind for you, you love them. When they do something you don’t like the love is gone and you’re angry with them and sometimes even want to hurt them.

Years ago I read a book by John Powell who described love as a decision, not an emotion. He explained that even when you’re angry or disappointed in your partner you can still operate from your underlying awareness of who that person really is, and from the compassion of who you want to be. You see the truth of who they are – kind, loving and caring – even though at this moment they may be pretty confused and nasty. You might even realize that you’ve been confused and nasty at times so she’s just doing what you’ve done. You don’t have to be nasty in return.

It’s easy to know whether you’re loving unconditionally and without strings. Just ask yourself if you want something from the person you love – anything at all. If you do something nice for them do you expect them to return the nicety? I knew a guy who used to give his wife a lavish piece of jewelry a week or two before Christmas. He’d give it to her every year the very day of the annual Christmas faculty party for the school she taught in. It’s obvious he wanted something back – a lot of praise. And his wife was expected to dutifully show everyone, “See the beautiful bracelet Harry gave me?”

Emotions – feelings – come and go. When we have conflicts with a date or partner we often look to our feelings, and base our responses on those feelings. That often means we start a war. But feelings are a lie; they’re fickle. What if you didn’t get caught up in your feelings? What if you stopped for a moment and questioned your thoughts. “Is this angry thought and feeling really true of what I feel toward my partner?”

You might notice that without your thoughts about how hurt you feel because of her actions you could instead switch the focus to her and see her hurt and confusion right now. Instead of looking to feelings to give you the truth you could look to the reality of who you know her to be under her temporary hurt. With that understanding and awareness you wouldn’t need to start that war. You could be compassionate instead and have a lot more peace and happiness.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

61. Living only happens now, yet dating is about the future. What gives?

By its nature dating is about the future. We want to meet someone and find out if they could be our partner. In reality, however, there is no future. Future doesn’t really exist. It’s only a picture in our minds. Right now is all there ever is. When we think of the future we think of it right now. But if you look carefully at your life you’ll probably notice that we spend a lot of energy trying the make the future better than right now. In effect we’re saying that right now isn’t good enough. The future will be better if I do the right thing now.

But when our imagined future gets to be right now what are we doing? Looking to the future again. There’s a lot of stress in that. We can’t just settle down and be. We have to be striving, striving all the time, attempting to make a better future. Yet real living can only happen in this moment; it’s the only time there will ever be. When our minds are full of chattering thoughts about past and future how much of the moment do you think we’re experiencing? Not much. The senses are still registering everything in the moment – we see, hear, feel, etc. But the fullness and richness of simple presence isn’t fully enjoyed because so much of our energy and attention is on thoughts. We miss the moment.

So how do we reconcile that with dating, which is nothing if not about future? Here’s what the mystics teach: Take your attention off the future and let it take care of itself. What’s needed when the future gets to be the present will be there as we need it. If you’re on a date with someone be completely with that person, without “future” thoughts like: “I wonder if this will go further? Will he call again? Is tomorrow too soon to ask her out again? He’s asked her to dance twice, does that mean he’s falling for her?” This doesn’t mean we don’t plan for a future. If you’re planning for a date the planning can only happen now, so be fully present to it when it’s happening.

With your attention channeled on now instead of anticipating the future or rehashing the past, you’ll more fully experience the joy of life as it is – not how you hope it will be, but just in the magnificence and full flavor of right now. As you give energy to wanting something in the future your life is about trying, strain and stress. As you put more attention into just “what is” right now you’ll be tension-free and calmly witnessing as life unfolds naturally, just the way it’s meant to be.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

60. Will flair and flash or everyday being make you happy with a new partner?

I’ve noticed that sometimes it’s easy, even as a senior in life with a lot of experience, to forget what’s really important as we date. What are we really looking for? Yes, we’re looking for a relationship but what do we really want from that relationship? It’s sometimes surprising to me to notice all the online dating profiles that are focused on what I’d call the flash of life. People talk about travel and nights on the town and walking sunny beaches in far-away places. Yes, all that is romantic but is it realistic?

When you think about it, beyond the flamboyance and flair, beyond the dazzling lights and paid-for pleasure aren’t we really looking for someone who will just be there for us in everyday life? Sure, I understand people saying they like to travel so they can find a traveling partner. But it seems to me the focus is on external activities and appearance much more so than on ordinary daily life. And out of the 365 days in a year how many will be spent on flash and flair and how much of the time will be in normal, everyday living? Things like going for a walk in the neighborhood, preparing simple, healthy meals at home, quiet visits to friends and relatives, the nurture and care of one another in times of a health crisis. How would your date stack up in these areas?

You may have seen the story below, that I think illustrates what I’m discussing here. It reminds me that we often seek “out there” for happiness when the real happiness is in just simple, daily being.

Here’s the story:

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long," answered the Mexican. "But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American. The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?" asked the Mexican. "With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise." "How long would that take?" asked the Mexican. "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?" "Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really?"

"And after that?" said the Mexican. "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village on the coast, sleep late, play with your grandchildren, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer