61. Living only happens now, yet dating is about the future. What gives?

By its nature dating is about the future. We want to meet someone and find out if they could be our partner. In reality, however, there is no future. Future doesn’t really exist. It’s only a picture in our minds. Right now is all there ever is. When we think of the future we think of it right now. But if you look carefully at your life you’ll probably notice that we spend a lot of energy trying the make the future better than right now. In effect we’re saying that right now isn’t good enough. The future will be better if I do the right thing now.

But when our imagined future gets to be right now what are we doing? Looking to the future again. There’s a lot of stress in that. We can’t just settle down and be. We have to be striving, striving all the time, attempting to make a better future. Yet real living can only happen in this moment; it’s the only time there will ever be. When our minds are full of chattering thoughts about past and future how much of the moment do you think we’re experiencing? Not much. The senses are still registering everything in the moment – we see, hear, feel, etc. But the fullness and richness of simple presence isn’t fully enjoyed because so much of our energy and attention is on thoughts. We miss the moment.

So how do we reconcile that with dating, which is nothing if not about future? Here’s what the mystics teach: Take your attention off the future and let it take care of itself. What’s needed when the future gets to be the present will be there as we need it. If you’re on a date with someone be completely with that person, without “future” thoughts like: “I wonder if this will go further? Will he call again? Is tomorrow too soon to ask her out again? He’s asked her to dance twice, does that mean he’s falling for her?” This doesn’t mean we don’t plan for a future. If you’re planning for a date the planning can only happen now, so be fully present to it when it’s happening.

With your attention channeled on now instead of anticipating the future or rehashing the past, you’ll more fully experience the joy of life as it is – not how you hope it will be, but just in the magnificence and full flavor of right now. As you give energy to wanting something in the future your life is about trying, strain and stress. As you put more attention into just “what is” right now you’ll be tension-free and calmly witnessing as life unfolds naturally, just the way it’s meant to be.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer