60. Will flair and flash or everyday being make you happy with a new partner?

I’ve noticed that sometimes it’s easy, even as a senior in life with a lot of experience, to forget what’s really important as we date. What are we really looking for? Yes, we’re looking for a relationship but what do we really want from that relationship? It’s sometimes surprising to me to notice all the online dating profiles that are focused on what I’d call the flash of life. People talk about travel and nights on the town and walking sunny beaches in far-away places. Yes, all that is romantic but is it realistic?

When you think about it, beyond the flamboyance and flair, beyond the dazzling lights and paid-for pleasure aren’t we really looking for someone who will just be there for us in everyday life? Sure, I understand people saying they like to travel so they can find a traveling partner. But it seems to me the focus is on external activities and appearance much more so than on ordinary daily life. And out of the 365 days in a year how many will be spent on flash and flair and how much of the time will be in normal, everyday living? Things like going for a walk in the neighborhood, preparing simple, healthy meals at home, quiet visits to friends and relatives, the nurture and care of one another in times of a health crisis. How would your date stack up in these areas?

You may have seen the story below, that I think illustrates what I’m discussing here. It reminds me that we often seek “out there” for happiness when the real happiness is in just simple, daily being.

Here’s the story:

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long," answered the Mexican. "But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American. The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?" asked the Mexican. "With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise." "How long would that take?" asked the Mexican. "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?" "Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really?"

"And after that?" said the Mexican. "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village on the coast, sleep late, play with your grandchildren, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer