62. Does real love come from feelings or from clarity and understanding?

Love is a funny word in our language. It has many meanings. People say, “I love baseball, I love that hairdo, I love this new car, I love my wife.” Obviously the same word applies to different emotions. The love you feel for baseball isn’t the same love you feel for your wife. When it comes to dating and romantic relationships the word is pretty often badly misused.

You might say you’re falling in love with the new woman you’ve been dating. But most of the time people really mean they love someone as long as that person is giving back what they want. So it’s not really love; it’s more of a trade. When your partner does something kind for you, you love them. When they do something you don’t like the love is gone and you’re angry with them and sometimes even want to hurt them.

Years ago I read a book by John Powell who described love as a decision, not an emotion. He explained that even when you’re angry or disappointed in your partner you can still operate from your underlying awareness of who that person really is, and from the compassion of who you want to be. You see the truth of who they are – kind, loving and caring – even though at this moment they may be pretty confused and nasty. You might even realize that you’ve been confused and nasty at times so she’s just doing what you’ve done. You don’t have to be nasty in return.

It’s easy to know whether you’re loving unconditionally and without strings. Just ask yourself if you want something from the person you love – anything at all. If you do something nice for them do you expect them to return the nicety? I knew a guy who used to give his wife a lavish piece of jewelry a week or two before Christmas. He’d give it to her every year the very day of the annual Christmas faculty party for the school she taught in. It’s obvious he wanted something back – a lot of praise. And his wife was expected to dutifully show everyone, “See the beautiful bracelet Harry gave me?”

Emotions – feelings – come and go. When we have conflicts with a date or partner we often look to our feelings, and base our responses on those feelings. That often means we start a war. But feelings are a lie; they’re fickle. What if you didn’t get caught up in your feelings? What if you stopped for a moment and questioned your thoughts. “Is this angry thought and feeling really true of what I feel toward my partner?”

You might notice that without your thoughts about how hurt you feel because of her actions you could instead switch the focus to her and see her hurt and confusion right now. Instead of looking to feelings to give you the truth you could look to the reality of who you know her to be under her temporary hurt. With that understanding and awareness you wouldn’t need to start that war. You could be compassionate instead and have a lot more peace and happiness.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer