162. Her will power was no match for her insecurity

Recently I heard a dating story that reminded me again how easy it is for the ego center in all of us to create self-imposed suffering. My friend Melissa told me this story about herself. She was going out of town for a few days with a friend she was dating. In the past when she was with Harley some old insecurity feelings had gotten triggered in her and she reacted in ways she later regretted. Sometimes the trigger was jealousy. Sometimes it was a feeling of unworthiness. But it got triggered. This time she was determined that wasn’t going to happen. Her will power was strong and she wasn’t going to fall into the old pattern again she told herself.

Well… she did. You may have had the same experience. With all the will power we can muster we’re determined not to be hurt or jealous or angry at a date or partner. We’re determined not to get triggered into hurtful, childish reactions. But it happens anyway. And as we look at our lives we can see that will power has never worked. If it had we wouldn’t still be dealing with the same issues at this mature stage of life.

When you investigate how life really works you realize it’s only the ego, that strong sense of personal identity, that could ever think it had will power. And the very idea of will power strengthens that ego and puts it on high alert. It’s going to make sure your will power succeeds so it’s watching closely to make sure you don’t fall into your old hurts again. In effect it’s the ego saying, “I’m going to make sure your ego doesn’t get triggered.” We’re asking the ego to police itself. That’s like giving the thief a police badge and assigning him to find the thief. The very insecurity that caused Melissa to gather all her will power was the same insecurity that caused her ego sense to be hurt in the first place.

At the beginning of their trip naturally Melissa’s insecure ego watched closely every move Harley made. Of course, she quickly found ways that he didn’t measure up because she was the one who had set the standards – in her own mind, of course.

The first afternoon and evening they were together Melissa found that Harley wasn’t attentive to her in the way she expected. She didn’t react though and she felt her will power was working. But the next day when again she wasn’t given the attention she expected the pile of hurts got too big and her disappointment and anger erupted. That’s not really surprising is it?

Since will power and brute force doesn’t work in keeping ourselves peaceful in a relationship, what does? My experience shows me that what’s needed is exactly the opposite of will power. It’s what the sages and saints have been pointing to for years. Will power is all aimed outside of us, watching others closely and fighting our urge to react.

But the opposite of turning “out there” for answers is to turn inward instead. The problem is never what happens. It’s our assessment and judgment of what happens, based of course on our ego center. When Melissa felt she wasn’t getting enough attention, instead of judging Harley and shoving her negative feelings down, she might have asked herself, “Is my idea of the attention I want what should actually be happening? And after all, who is this me who thinks it’s so wise that it has all the answers?”

Reality always rules. It’s what is, and you can’t ever successfully change what is. Melissa’s idea was what she wanted and didn’t have a thing to do with what is, she later recognized. At that time, reality was that Harley was living his life according to Harley, not according to Melissa. Should he have been living it her way, which by the way she had expected him to get through reading her mind? Or should Harley just behave as he was? Since reality always rules, the answer is pretty simple. Without her judgmental story Melissa would have had no suffering and no problem. Who created the hurt for Melissa? Was it Harley? Or was it the story Melissa told herself about what Harley should be doing that he wasn’t?

If you feel your will power could ever make life work for you, I invite you to look to your own experience. Has it ever really worked? If not, maybe it’s time for a new approach. Maybe you could look inside instead, at the judgments you make. Maybe you could wonder at whether your way is the right way. Is it possible the Intelligent Energy that powers and exists as everything knows what it’s doing?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

161. Since no one can hurt your feelings where’s the risk in mature dating?

If you’ve been aware of the news in recent weeks you’ve probably seen stories about the degrading comments Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell have been slinging at each other. Each of these famous and supposedly successful people has been throwing verbal insults and degrading remarks at the other and apparently feeling hurt and angered by each other. Trump acts as though Rosie has cut him down so he has to defend himself by doing the same to her. Rosie retaliates. You may have seen these shenanigans and thought to yourself, as I did, “My god, how childish!”

Yet Rosie and Donald are really just playing out on the national stage what most people believe: that what others say about us can make us feel happy or hurt. But that’s a total lie. Actually we’re the only ones who can choose to be happy or hurt by either accepting or ignoring what anyone else says about us. In reality, no one can hurt us emotionally. Even if they wanted to they just don’t have that power because they can’t decide how we’re going to interpret their remarks.

When you really look at that deeply and see the truth of it, that realization can change the way you live. No longer are you then a victim of anyone else’s actions or words. You’re not vulnerable any more.

But if this is true why are people so easily hurt by what someone says? The only answer, apparently, is that we haven’t been taught to look at reality. We’ve been conditioned to the myth that other people can determine our feelings. But can they really? Does anyone have the key to your head so they can get inside and make you think you’ve been hurt? And don’t our feelings – any feelings – only materialize because of our thoughts?

Yet that fear that someone else can hurt us plays a powerful role, especially in dating relationships. And perhaps even more so in senior or mature dating because many at this later stage in life feel desperate about finding romance before it’s too late. We want romance yet we dread being hurt. But think about it: If you’ve really looked and you consequently have no concern that someone else can hurt your feelings you have a freedom you didn’t have before.

You no longer have to wait for a guy or gal to make the first move if you want to meet them or ask for a coffee date or a dance. The word “risk” doesn’t even need to be in your vocabulary any more. What risk is there if you know that no one can hurt you? If you ask someone for coffee or a dance and they say no aren’t you in the same place you’d be if you hadn’t asked? Who knows why they declined, it’s just what happened and without your story of why it’s not a problem.

Living without the fear that anyone can hurt you emotionally can totally change your life. But to recognize that truth, if you still feel I could hurt your feelings, you’re probably going to have to really look deep inside. With open, honest investigation you can see the reality of life not the lie most of us have lived by and suffered from. Then what’s left is a freedom and ease that’s always been there, you just had it covered over with a fairy tale.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

160. Dating differences aren’t a problem when you come from love not judgment

Differences are natural in any relationship, and in many cases people simply agree to disagree and it’s no problem. In a romantic relationship that becomes a little harder though. It’s not so easy to just see that we have a different view of something and then go home. Dating differences often affect us directly – when they involve the kind of recreation we’ll pursue or other ways we spend time together, for instance. We want our partner with us but we want what we want, not what they want. What do you do?

“Compromise” is the word that probably comes most readily to mind. One dictionary defines the word as: “An accommodation in which both sides make concessions.” “Negotiate” is another word, defined as, “Confer with another in order to come to terms or reach an agreement.” I sometimes have a problem with the word “compromise” because it often means giving in just to achieve peace and stop the arguing. In that case the one who gives in often feels resentment. They feel they lost something and they gave away their rights. It creates a separation and division in the relationship, even when the concession is subtle.

In negotiating, however, I like the idea of conferring with your partner because that involves caring and love. When you confer you’re not just automatically assuming that your way is best and should be followed. Instead you’re open to questioning and listening. You confer to really learn what your partner wants and then match that against your own wants. The result may be that you give in to what your date or partner wants but you don’t do it to achieve peace, thus feeling you lost. Instead, you concede and agree to your partner’s wants out of authentic love, not expecting something in return. It’s not barter, it’s an unconditional giving that carries no resentment with it.

One simple way some use to understand each other’s wants is for each person to state, on a scale of 1 to 10, how important the thing they want is. If my desire to have it my way is a 7 and my partner’s desire for her way is a 9 or 10 it may not be hard at all to simply say, “Gosh I see that this is really important to you, let’s do it your way.” Another way to handle things is for each person to simply pursue their own interests and activities sometimes. Jane wants to go to a movie one night and Chet isn’t interested. So she goes and he stays home. No judgment, no problem.

However it’s done, when we get our egos out of the way differences with our date can be handled without judgment and criticism if we recognize that they’re natural and not wrong. It’s also critical to realize that it’s not up to your partner or date to make you feel good. You may badly want Joe to attend the symphony with you, and though he doesn’t care for the symphony he may go because he cares about you. At other times, however, he may feel that it’s just not something he wants to do. Doesn’t he have that right as much as you have the right to want him with you? Can you really say he doesn’t love you because he doesn’t do what you want?

If the differences are extreme you may decide to stop dating a person. But that doesn’t mean he’s bad, just different. Whenever you feel that you’re right and your date is wrong your judgments are going to make you suffer. At that point you’re thinking your date should be something she’s not. That’s what judgment is – thinking something should be “my” way rather than the way it is. How do you know Margaret should be the way she is? The same way you know it should be raining on a rainy day – that’s simply what is. When the judgment is gone the suffering is gone. When your behavior springs from caring and love differences aren’t a problem.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer