162. Her will power was no match for her insecurity

Recently I heard a dating story that reminded me again how easy it is for the ego center in all of us to create self-imposed suffering. My friend Melissa told me this story about herself. She was going out of town for a few days with a friend she was dating. In the past when she was with Harley some old insecurity feelings had gotten triggered in her and she reacted in ways she later regretted. Sometimes the trigger was jealousy. Sometimes it was a feeling of unworthiness. But it got triggered. This time she was determined that wasn’t going to happen. Her will power was strong and she wasn’t going to fall into the old pattern again she told herself.

Well… she did. You may have had the same experience. With all the will power we can muster we’re determined not to be hurt or jealous or angry at a date or partner. We’re determined not to get triggered into hurtful, childish reactions. But it happens anyway. And as we look at our lives we can see that will power has never worked. If it had we wouldn’t still be dealing with the same issues at this mature stage of life.

When you investigate how life really works you realize it’s only the ego, that strong sense of personal identity, that could ever think it had will power. And the very idea of will power strengthens that ego and puts it on high alert. It’s going to make sure your will power succeeds so it’s watching closely to make sure you don’t fall into your old hurts again. In effect it’s the ego saying, “I’m going to make sure your ego doesn’t get triggered.” We’re asking the ego to police itself. That’s like giving the thief a police badge and assigning him to find the thief. The very insecurity that caused Melissa to gather all her will power was the same insecurity that caused her ego sense to be hurt in the first place.

At the beginning of their trip naturally Melissa’s insecure ego watched closely every move Harley made. Of course, she quickly found ways that he didn’t measure up because she was the one who had set the standards – in her own mind, of course.

The first afternoon and evening they were together Melissa found that Harley wasn’t attentive to her in the way she expected. She didn’t react though and she felt her will power was working. But the next day when again she wasn’t given the attention she expected the pile of hurts got too big and her disappointment and anger erupted. That’s not really surprising is it?

Since will power and brute force doesn’t work in keeping ourselves peaceful in a relationship, what does? My experience shows me that what’s needed is exactly the opposite of will power. It’s what the sages and saints have been pointing to for years. Will power is all aimed outside of us, watching others closely and fighting our urge to react.

But the opposite of turning “out there” for answers is to turn inward instead. The problem is never what happens. It’s our assessment and judgment of what happens, based of course on our ego center. When Melissa felt she wasn’t getting enough attention, instead of judging Harley and shoving her negative feelings down, she might have asked herself, “Is my idea of the attention I want what should actually be happening? And after all, who is this me who thinks it’s so wise that it has all the answers?”

Reality always rules. It’s what is, and you can’t ever successfully change what is. Melissa’s idea was what she wanted and didn’t have a thing to do with what is, she later recognized. At that time, reality was that Harley was living his life according to Harley, not according to Melissa. Should he have been living it her way, which by the way she had expected him to get through reading her mind? Or should Harley just behave as he was? Since reality always rules, the answer is pretty simple. Without her judgmental story Melissa would have had no suffering and no problem. Who created the hurt for Melissa? Was it Harley? Or was it the story Melissa told herself about what Harley should be doing that he wasn’t?

If you feel your will power could ever make life work for you, I invite you to look to your own experience. Has it ever really worked? If not, maybe it’s time for a new approach. Maybe you could look inside instead, at the judgments you make. Maybe you could wonder at whether your way is the right way. Is it possible the Intelligent Energy that powers and exists as everything knows what it’s doing?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer