161. Since no one can hurt your feelings where’s the risk in mature dating?

If you’ve been aware of the news in recent weeks you’ve probably seen stories about the degrading comments Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell have been slinging at each other. Each of these famous and supposedly successful people has been throwing verbal insults and degrading remarks at the other and apparently feeling hurt and angered by each other. Trump acts as though Rosie has cut him down so he has to defend himself by doing the same to her. Rosie retaliates. You may have seen these shenanigans and thought to yourself, as I did, “My god, how childish!”

Yet Rosie and Donald are really just playing out on the national stage what most people believe: that what others say about us can make us feel happy or hurt. But that’s a total lie. Actually we’re the only ones who can choose to be happy or hurt by either accepting or ignoring what anyone else says about us. In reality, no one can hurt us emotionally. Even if they wanted to they just don’t have that power because they can’t decide how we’re going to interpret their remarks.

When you really look at that deeply and see the truth of it, that realization can change the way you live. No longer are you then a victim of anyone else’s actions or words. You’re not vulnerable any more.

But if this is true why are people so easily hurt by what someone says? The only answer, apparently, is that we haven’t been taught to look at reality. We’ve been conditioned to the myth that other people can determine our feelings. But can they really? Does anyone have the key to your head so they can get inside and make you think you’ve been hurt? And don’t our feelings – any feelings – only materialize because of our thoughts?

Yet that fear that someone else can hurt us plays a powerful role, especially in dating relationships. And perhaps even more so in senior or mature dating because many at this later stage in life feel desperate about finding romance before it’s too late. We want romance yet we dread being hurt. But think about it: If you’ve really looked and you consequently have no concern that someone else can hurt your feelings you have a freedom you didn’t have before.

You no longer have to wait for a guy or gal to make the first move if you want to meet them or ask for a coffee date or a dance. The word “risk” doesn’t even need to be in your vocabulary any more. What risk is there if you know that no one can hurt you? If you ask someone for coffee or a dance and they say no aren’t you in the same place you’d be if you hadn’t asked? Who knows why they declined, it’s just what happened and without your story of why it’s not a problem.

Living without the fear that anyone can hurt you emotionally can totally change your life. But to recognize that truth, if you still feel I could hurt your feelings, you’re probably going to have to really look deep inside. With open, honest investigation you can see the reality of life not the lie most of us have lived by and suffered from. Then what’s left is a freedom and ease that’s always been there, you just had it covered over with a fairy tale.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer