160. Dating differences aren’t a problem when you come from love not judgment

Differences are natural in any relationship, and in many cases people simply agree to disagree and it’s no problem. In a romantic relationship that becomes a little harder though. It’s not so easy to just see that we have a different view of something and then go home. Dating differences often affect us directly – when they involve the kind of recreation we’ll pursue or other ways we spend time together, for instance. We want our partner with us but we want what we want, not what they want. What do you do?

“Compromise” is the word that probably comes most readily to mind. One dictionary defines the word as: “An accommodation in which both sides make concessions.” “Negotiate” is another word, defined as, “Confer with another in order to come to terms or reach an agreement.” I sometimes have a problem with the word “compromise” because it often means giving in just to achieve peace and stop the arguing. In that case the one who gives in often feels resentment. They feel they lost something and they gave away their rights. It creates a separation and division in the relationship, even when the concession is subtle.

In negotiating, however, I like the idea of conferring with your partner because that involves caring and love. When you confer you’re not just automatically assuming that your way is best and should be followed. Instead you’re open to questioning and listening. You confer to really learn what your partner wants and then match that against your own wants. The result may be that you give in to what your date or partner wants but you don’t do it to achieve peace, thus feeling you lost. Instead, you concede and agree to your partner’s wants out of authentic love, not expecting something in return. It’s not barter, it’s an unconditional giving that carries no resentment with it.

One simple way some use to understand each other’s wants is for each person to state, on a scale of 1 to 10, how important the thing they want is. If my desire to have it my way is a 7 and my partner’s desire for her way is a 9 or 10 it may not be hard at all to simply say, “Gosh I see that this is really important to you, let’s do it your way.” Another way to handle things is for each person to simply pursue their own interests and activities sometimes. Jane wants to go to a movie one night and Chet isn’t interested. So she goes and he stays home. No judgment, no problem.

However it’s done, when we get our egos out of the way differences with our date can be handled without judgment and criticism if we recognize that they’re natural and not wrong. It’s also critical to realize that it’s not up to your partner or date to make you feel good. You may badly want Joe to attend the symphony with you, and though he doesn’t care for the symphony he may go because he cares about you. At other times, however, he may feel that it’s just not something he wants to do. Doesn’t he have that right as much as you have the right to want him with you? Can you really say he doesn’t love you because he doesn’t do what you want?

If the differences are extreme you may decide to stop dating a person. But that doesn’t mean he’s bad, just different. Whenever you feel that you’re right and your date is wrong your judgments are going to make you suffer. At that point you’re thinking your date should be something she’s not. That’s what judgment is – thinking something should be “my” way rather than the way it is. How do you know Margaret should be the way she is? The same way you know it should be raining on a rainy day – that’s simply what is. When the judgment is gone the suffering is gone. When your behavior springs from caring and love differences aren’t a problem.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer