66. Are you an honest person who deceives in dating?

When we’re dating, especially in these senior years, it’s easy for otherwise honest people to be deceiving, in both overt and covert ways, and in ways that might surprise even them. Some of the ways I’ll talk about may seem totally harmless. But they always bring pain, subtle though it may be.

For instance, you date Janie several times and you realize she’s just not the person for you. She’s a very nice woman, and being the nice guy you are, you don’t want to hurt her feelings so you don’t tell her the truth. Instead you say you’ll call her soon, with no plan to ever do so. Or if she calls you and suggests getting together you make up a handy excuse. You can chalk it up to caring about her. But is that totally true? Doesn’t the whole truth include the fact that you don’t want to hurt, yourself, by knowing that she’s hurting and you feel responsible?

Even if you could hurt her, wouldn’t it be more honest to just tell her upfront? I’ve had times when I’ve needed to do that, and I feel uncomfortable even though I know I’m not responsible for a woman’s feelings. But it’s the most loving thing I can do because I’m not stringing her along and I’m not lying to her. It also keeps my integrity intact.

Another way it’s easy to be dishonest, even when you think you’re a very honest person, is through subtle manipulation – so subtle you probably don’t even recognize it as manipulation. Let’s say the woman you’re really enthralled with likes to go out to dinner. You’d prefer meals at home, but you give her the impression that you love eating out. Why would you do that?

The answer is probably fear, fear that you won’t have the person you want in your life. At this age we’re often even more aware that we don’t have too many years ahead of us and that finding a mate may be harder than it seemed when we were younger. So we fudge a little. We lie about our age and call it a white lie. We haven’t been asked directly so therefore we don’t tell a date that we’re also dating others. We’re not lying, we tell ourselves, but aren’t we being deceitful?

We can easily overlook subtle untruths because it’s natural for people to want success in their dating. It’s not that you’re a bad person when you mislead, manipulate or lie in subtle ways. What happens when you live that way, however, is that you live in tension and pain. It may be subtle suffering but inside you know it doesn’t feel good. No wonder people say they don’t like dating in their senior years. This kind of thing isn’t fun, it’s not open and it’s not truthful.

Straight out truth is the most loving thing you can do for yourself and others. If you think you’re going to hurt someone realize it’s their own interpretation of your words that hurt them, not you. If someone tells you you’re just not a match for them does that have to be painful to you, even if you were very interested in them? It can be, yes. But question that idea that hurts? Are they supposed to be interested in you? No, because they’re not. Is it supposed to rain today? Yes, because it is. It’s that simple. Operate in the real world as it is, and not in your idea of how you want it to be and you’ll find you live in unflappable ease. Try to force and control and manipulate your dating world and you’ll hurt – 100% of the time.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

65. Her suffering is born from her dream-lies of the future

Wanting to be with a compatible mate is obviously built into us. For most it’s a pretty natural part of living, no matter how old we are. After my mother died my dad met a woman at a seniors gathering and married again at 88. She was two years younger. Certainly there’s no problem in dating to meet a partner. But you can be in a world of hurt when you’re blinded by the need to be loved and you don’t see reality.

A friend of mine, Annette, clings to the same guy even though he’s told her several times over the past few years that he doesn’t want a romance, only a friendship. They’re both in their 60s and active in the same church, so friendship in their many regional church activities would be natural. And even though Annette has told me she knows this guy is a womanizer and wouldn’t be good for her, she still keeps going back time and again, trying to establish a connection with him.

Six months ago he told her clearly once more that he wanted no more than a friendship with her. She told me she cried for two days. Several days ago she told me she traveled to Canada with him over the holidays to be with his family. I can see it already. She’ll be crying again soon.

It’s clear that her pain comes from her inability to see reality. A little investigation always reveals what’s real. In this case Annette could ask herself if this guy has been clear and consistent. Has his message ever changed? But we too often concoct false dreams. The future can be an alluring and captivating image we hold in our minds so firmly it begins to look real. We paint our dream pictures and cling to them. But they’re just thoughts that have no real substance if you look closely. They come out of nowhere and they’ll go back to nowhere if we don’t feed them with the energy of attention.

Dreams are pictures of the future that aren’t real. What’s real? What is, is real. What is is always in the present. Ask yourself, what’s true right now? Maybe you’ve just had a nice dinner together and kissed good night. Does that have anything to do with a future? It couldn’t have, because future is just a thought. No matter how many thoughts about the future we have, that’ll never change the fact that the future is just a made-up lie. I call it a lie because it’s not true. We’re deceiving ourselves.

The false always hurts because it’s made up. Reality never hurts… unless we have opinions that it shouldn’t be the way it is, unless we start embellishing it with false desires. Do we really know anything about the future and what it should be? Do we know the guy we’re interested in will make our life better for sure? Do we even know there will be a future? Of course the answer is no. So why not live in just now, just what is? In that presence is all we ever need. There is no future… only self-made dream lies.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

64. “He left me for a new lover”… is that good news or bad?

There’s an old Chinese story you may have heard about a poor farmer, barely eking out a living, who went out to his barn one morning to find his only horse had escaped. The horse was his only means of plowing his land and providing a meager living for his family. The neighbors heard about it and said, “Oh, you poor man. You’ve lost your only horse, what a tragedy.” The farmer said, “Well, maybe yes and maybe no.”

A couple of mornings later the farmer went out to tend his fields and noticed that his horse was back, and a herd of wild horses had followed him so now he had a herd of horses. The neighbors found out and said, “Oh, you lucky guy. Now you’re rich.” The farmer said, “Well, maybe yes and maybe no.”

The next day the farmer’s only son, who helped him on the farm, was breaking one of the wild horses and was thrown and broke his hip. The neighbors said, “Oh, you poor fella. Now you have no one to help you with the planting and you won’t have crops this year.” The farmer said, “Well, maybe yes and maybe no.”

A few days later officials from the military came to the house to draft the young man for war. But with his broken hip they couldn’t take him. The neighbors said, “Oh, you’re so blessed. All our sons have to fight and be killed but your son gets to stay home safely with you.” And the farmer said, “Well, maybe yes and maybe no.”

The point of the story, of course, is that we don’t know what the future will bring. Yet we spend a lot of energy fretting and worrying about a future that isn’t real. It’s only a thought in our heads. So if someone you’re attracted to doesn’t want to date you any more, is that good news or bad? If your lover suddenly finds a new lover, or cheats on you, is that good news or bad? We just don’t know. What we do know is that life is just what it is, and it’s always changing. Without opinions you can just let it be and watch. You might be surprised that what you see is nothing like the dreaded picture you had painted in your head.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer