66. Are you an honest person who deceives in dating?

When we’re dating, especially in these senior years, it’s easy for otherwise honest people to be deceiving, in both overt and covert ways, and in ways that might surprise even them. Some of the ways I’ll talk about may seem totally harmless. But they always bring pain, subtle though it may be.

For instance, you date Janie several times and you realize she’s just not the person for you. She’s a very nice woman, and being the nice guy you are, you don’t want to hurt her feelings so you don’t tell her the truth. Instead you say you’ll call her soon, with no plan to ever do so. Or if she calls you and suggests getting together you make up a handy excuse. You can chalk it up to caring about her. But is that totally true? Doesn’t the whole truth include the fact that you don’t want to hurt, yourself, by knowing that she’s hurting and you feel responsible?

Even if you could hurt her, wouldn’t it be more honest to just tell her upfront? I’ve had times when I’ve needed to do that, and I feel uncomfortable even though I know I’m not responsible for a woman’s feelings. But it’s the most loving thing I can do because I’m not stringing her along and I’m not lying to her. It also keeps my integrity intact.

Another way it’s easy to be dishonest, even when you think you’re a very honest person, is through subtle manipulation – so subtle you probably don’t even recognize it as manipulation. Let’s say the woman you’re really enthralled with likes to go out to dinner. You’d prefer meals at home, but you give her the impression that you love eating out. Why would you do that?

The answer is probably fear, fear that you won’t have the person you want in your life. At this age we’re often even more aware that we don’t have too many years ahead of us and that finding a mate may be harder than it seemed when we were younger. So we fudge a little. We lie about our age and call it a white lie. We haven’t been asked directly so therefore we don’t tell a date that we’re also dating others. We’re not lying, we tell ourselves, but aren’t we being deceitful?

We can easily overlook subtle untruths because it’s natural for people to want success in their dating. It’s not that you’re a bad person when you mislead, manipulate or lie in subtle ways. What happens when you live that way, however, is that you live in tension and pain. It may be subtle suffering but inside you know it doesn’t feel good. No wonder people say they don’t like dating in their senior years. This kind of thing isn’t fun, it’s not open and it’s not truthful.

Straight out truth is the most loving thing you can do for yourself and others. If you think you’re going to hurt someone realize it’s their own interpretation of your words that hurt them, not you. If someone tells you you’re just not a match for them does that have to be painful to you, even if you were very interested in them? It can be, yes. But question that idea that hurts? Are they supposed to be interested in you? No, because they’re not. Is it supposed to rain today? Yes, because it is. It’s that simple. Operate in the real world as it is, and not in your idea of how you want it to be and you’ll find you live in unflappable ease. Try to force and control and manipulate your dating world and you’ll hurt – 100% of the time.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer