72. Holding back your tears and fears could be riskier than fully living and finding love

And the day came
When the risk to
Remain tight in bud
Was more painful
Than the risk it took
To blossom.
- Anais Nin

Risking is living, and it certainly applies to loving and dating. The middle line of this aphorism says it well:

Work as if you don’t need to.
Love as if you’ve never been hurt.
And dance as if no one is watching!

We often hold back for fear and desire for security. We’re afraid of getting emotionally hurt. We act as though we couldn’t handle it if our heart breaks for awhile. But is that true? Haven’t you had a broken heart before and survived? Yet holding back in a relationship seems pretty common. We feel if we invest ourselves and really let go and feel the love we have for someone it may not be reciprocated. That would not only be crushing emotionally but also humiliating. Do we really want to be hanging out there alone letting someone know how vulnerable we are?

They could take advantage of us and that would be painful. But the line from the poem, “remain tight in bud”, points out that not risking is also painful. When we’re unwilling to risk we lead pinched up lives – narrow, tight, stifled, boring and dull. Living that way you’re dead to life while you live. Remember, we live in a world of dualism. It takes the opposite of a thing to have that thing at all – no up without down, no pleasure without pain. When we hide in a cocoon for protection we may not have the agony of suffering but we’ll also never have the joy of the butterfly.

When we hold back we don’t ever let our date or partner know fully who we are. We’re not vulnerable enough to show our tears and fears. We don’t want to look and feel like a fool. We’re “tight in bud” and so they never see the beauty or smell the perfume of the flower we really are if we’d let go and blossom. They can’t love the real you because they don’t know the real you. Living in protection we also don’t get to know our lover fully. We hold ourselves at bay because seeing the real beauty and depth of someone may draw us into even more feelings for them. That would mean more pain if the relationship goes sour.

When we really look at life, though, can’t we see that there never will be and never has been security? Your lover could die tomorrow. She could move on to someone else. You’re most likely a single senior because you’ve had a partner who’s now gone, either through divorce or death. You know life and love isn’t secure; it’s not meant to be. Part of the fun of life is it’s uncertainty and mystery. With uncertainty comes it’s freshness and fascination. Can you imagine how boring it would be if we knew what was going to happen next at all times? Living cautiously may save you from a large dose of pain but in turn it gives you the long, enduring, agony of misery and defeat that can lurk in the background for years.

You might even have noticed that as you live and take risks those risks are often captivating and enthralling even while they have an element of anxiety or fear. Newness is always full of wonder! If you find yourself working hard to protect yourself from hurt by not risking getting fully involved in a relationship, let that awareness settle in and ponder it a bit if you care to. Spontaneous, authentic living is free and open and full of life. Safe, risk-free existing is going through the motions. Which do you think will really give you the love and happiness you seek?

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer