75. Controlling through anger is always a lose-lose in dating

Most of us don’t like to be controlled. Freedom is our natural state and we’re more at peace and content when we’re free to be ourselves. You know that from experience. Yet you may be a controller without even realizing it. And your controlling behavior can show up instantly in dating relationships because that’s when you can be most easily threatened and scared. There are several ways we try to control other people or situations so we can get what we want. I’ll talk about just one of them now – controlling through anger.

Even though it may happen seldom for you, when you’re angry at someone else it’s probably the way you’ve learned to try to control them. Whether your anger expresses itself in subtle seething and clamming up or shows up in rage or a temper tantrum, it’s your way of trying to make sure the person you blame for your anger toes the line in the future.

Two things happen when we try to control through anger. One is that we feel terrible inside, and the other is that it doesn’t work. Oh yes, you may seemingly force someone to do what you want. But you can also see that in the end your anger doesn’t work. Instead of drawing you both closer through discussion and a better understanding of each other, you create distance and hostility. The target of your anger and control doesn’t like being controlled any more than you do, so resentment builds.

The reason we want to control anything at all is our need for security. When we think our security is threatened we feel fear. What do we do? We do what we learned, probably in childhood. And if you learned that anger helped you survive as a kid you may be still using that method. To get past anger and the need to control, investigation is the only thing I know that works.

Some therapists say, “When you feel that hot rush of anger just stop and wait a few seconds before you respond.” ? Great idea, but ask yourself: Does it work? If it did, we’d have been successful at dealing with our angry bursts and fear a long time ago. Your own experience will tell you that. Calm, impassioned inquiry, though, after you’ve had an anger episode, will help you see the truth of a situation. You’re likely to see that you don’t need to control anyone. Since the need to control comes from feelings of insecurity you can start by asking questions such as: Is it true this person should be doing life my way? Do I really know what’s best in the big picture or do I just think I know? What’s the worst that could happen if I let things take their course rather than trying to make it go my way? Does anger really get me what I want when I’m trying to control others? Has it ever actually worked? Do I feel the love I want to feel in a relationship when I’m using anger as a weapon?

Seeing the truth in your answers may give you surprising results. As when you see a mirage you’ll never go there for water again, when you see the truth of your insecurities and what your angry behavior gets you, you may notice you never have to try using it again. Your belief that someone else could ever give you security was an illusion all along and now you see through it. What’s left then is peace and ease of living, the result of just letting life be what it is. The person you think made you angry is also part of life just as it is. Stop resisting “what is” and happiness remains.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer