76. What they say about you only hurts when you add your opinion

I heard recently about a light-skinned black woman from South Africa who’s angry with a man who didn’t want to date her because her skin is too dark. She says she’ll never forgive him for thinking she’s too dark. A couple of years ago a woman friend told me how hurt she was by what her dating companion told her. He was some years younger than she and he eventually told her she was too old for him. The woman was crushed and thought it was cruel that he would say that.

In both cases these women were suffering not because of what someone said but entirely as a result of their own thoughts and opinions. We can see this by investigating the facts. Someone may say you’re too dark-skinned or too old. Or they may say they don’t like blondes, or men who are bald. It doesn’t really matter what they say; they have a right to their opinion. It’s only when we think they shouldn’t say a thing that we suffer. Who says they shouldn’t think and say what they want? Do we want the right to our own opinions? Of course. Then don’t others also have that right?

“Yes,” you may argue, “but they don't have the right to say something hurtful that affects me.” But who added the word “hurtful” to what they said? Can they say something that hurts you? Only you decide that. When you drop your opinion that “this hurts” what’s left is just the words, “You’re too old” or “Your skin is too dark.” Can the sounds of a few words actually hurt you? It’s always our self-referencing ego-me that grabs onto words and then decides to feel hurt by them. See the words, instead, as just sounds or marks on paper. That’s what they are without your judgment and opinion. That’s a lot happier way to live than trying to control what someone thinks and says, which is like trying to control the wind. Impossible. And totally unnecessary.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer