77. Dating is smooth, with few problems, when you drop the ego-me idea

If you’ve read a few of the articles on this blog you know that I’m sharing ways to view life (senior dating in this case) that make it a pleasant adventure. I’m trying to point you to a way of seeing life that doesn’t include a lot of suffering. It’s what the saints and sages from all cultures and through the centuries have taught. It’s sometimes called enlightenment or awakening.

Essentially what it means is that all our emotional pain comes from our “ego-me” idea of how things should be. Without our preferences and opinions, though, we would simply witness life as it is. There would be no ego-me involved and we’d simply be seeing life without interpretation and judgment. The result is no suffering.

Since the age of two or so we’ve had the idea that there’s a me choosing life. But some careful examination shows there really is no me you can locate. Me is just an idea we’ve been taught. Since there’s really no me, then, there’s also no one who can actually choose. If you were the chooser you wouldn’t suffer from unhappy thoughts for long periods would you? Or you’d just switch off thinking for awhile when it got painful. It can’t be done. You don’t know your next thought until it shows up because you don’t create thoughts. They just arise. Since choices come from thoughts about the alternatives, and the thoughts aren’t ours, how could we possibly be choosing? Yet choices happen, by the same power that beats your heart, grows your hair and makes the wind blow. In short, we’re being lived.

The funny thing is, we’ve always been lived even while we thought we were doing it all. So nothing changes when you see this clearly, except that you feel a huge relief. You’re no longer feeling the burden of trying to run the show, improve yourself, feel guilt for past mistakes, etc. We’ve been like the little kid in the kiddy car at the amusement park. We think we’re steering this car called “my life”. Don’t just believe or disbelieve what I’ve said, by the way. Take a look and see for yourself.

Now, in practical terms for dating how can this be helpful? Here’s how. Thoughts and feelings show up on their own. We don’t ask for a sudden rush of jealousy or anger or disappointment feelings. Those feelings appear, usually because something in the moment triggers memories of hurt from the past. The pain is the signal that you’re not seeing life as it is. Instead, there’s resistance to something and a firm idea that it should be different. The ego-me gets involved, and with that opinion and judgment, there’s pain because you’ve started an internal fight. The fight is “my way” against “what is”.

Let’s say a sudden rush of hot anger arises in you from something your lover just said or did. If you were simply witnessing life you’d hear or see what happened like a baby would see it, without involvement. The hot rush would pass on quickly because it doesn’t have a place to land or an ego-me to get hooked into it. Instead, what happens for most of us is that we’re wrapped up in the anger immediately. Thoughts pour out, like “Why would he say that?” or “I’d never do what he just did.” Then all the analyzing and comparing and negotiating with yourself goes on and meantime you’re keeping that hot anger and suffering alive.

When the words are just seen as words, however, the feeling of anger fades because there’s no energy invested in them. And thoughts and feelings can’t live without energy. Actually, that’s all the hot rush was in the first place, a swirl of energy showing up in the body. With involvement it hangs around, sometimes for weeks. Without involvement it simply appears and disappears, like a wisp of steam. See that the universe, including what you resist, simply moves along as it always has. That includes all that happens in your dating relationship. When you see that “what is” might just be God’s way you could let go of your opinion and just be. That’s nature’s way, and life smooths out.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer