185. Is there actually such a thing as a relationship problem?

Words are often misleading. Language is tricky because it makes something appear to be real that has no reality. For example, we talk about a baseball team. That word “team” seems to be real. But what is a team, really? It’s not an entity, it’s not a thing. It’s a word to define a bunch of people who work together. When the people aren’t working together any more where is the team? It doesn’t exist, because it actually never did.

The word “relationship” is like “team” in the sense that it’s a word defining something that doesn’t really exist as an entity. It’s not a solid object, like “table” or “ball” or “person”. Most of the time these defining words serve a useful purpose in communicating. But they can also be deceiving because we treat them as real and assign labels to them – labels like “good” or “bad”. In dating you hear people say, “We have a problem in our relationship.”

But a relationship can’t have a problem. Only one or both people who are together in what’s called a relationship can have a problem. Even defining the word “problem” can be a problem. Ted thinks Laurie has a problem because, let’s say, she drinks too much. But if Laurie doesn’t think she drinks too much does she have a problem? No, only Ted has a problem. His problem is the suffering he causes himself by thinking Laurie drinks too much. So you’ve got a “problem” in your relationship if you’re suffering. That’s the definition of problem – you have a problem if you’re hurting.

If you’ve got a so-called problem in your relationship look and see who’s hurting. Obviously it’s you if you’re suffering. Who then needs to solve the problem? Only the one who has it can solve it. Your partner, too, may be hurting and it would be up to him to resolve his problem. But your “relationship” can never have a problem. If you think the relationship has a problem you’re making something “out there” responsible for your suffering. There’s no solution when a word – relationship – is treated like a thing because that illusory “thing” can’t be fixed. It doesn’t exist.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer