186. Are you content and happy when you think your date should change?

Dating seems to be wired into most of us. We like being connected with another person in an intimate, close, sharing way. Like an apple tree “apples”, as one sage used to say, humans “people”. That people-ing begins with the natural urge to join. Well, so far so good, huh?

But in joining we usually pretty quickly see problems with our partner or our date. We think – in at least a few ways – they should be different. We want them to change. Ah, we’ve just created hurt for ourselves. We’ve forgotten to notice that the times when we’re happy in life are the times when we don’t think anything needs to change. These times of total acceptance may be momentary, as when we’re watching a gorgeous sunrise, or totally engaged and lost in a project, or completely present while making love. But they’re there.

What do those moments tell us? Don’t they tell us we’re content with life when we’re allowing it to be just the way it is? Does our date or partner really need to be different? Guess what? If we think they need to be different, we need to be different: we need to not judge them because we’re the ones who suffer when we judge. If they don’t suit us we can always move away. But does real love include thinking we should change someone? Does that give us joy or peace or fun in dating?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer