212. Why does she feel hurt and lash out? 'What?’ questions lead her to peace

Mature dating often turns out to be like a mirror, reflecting back to us who we are in our most insecure and fearful states. Sometimes we don’t like what we see. We may notice we strike out with hurtful, cutting words at times, when we’ve always thought of ourselves as a kind person, for instance. It doesn’t feel good to see that, so it’s natural to start questioning: Why do I do that? Why do I say hurtful things?

I’ve spent a lot of time asking “why?” questions in the past. At one point in my life I spent countless hours over about four years in a psychologically-based program designed to do just that – trace back my feelings and reactions to their so-called roots: “Oh, I see, I feel this and react that way because my dad criticized me when I was nine years old.” As I’ve now seen the way life actually is, I know why that method only worked temporarily.

What I’ve seen is that “why?” questions are the wrong questions. The mind loves chewing on questions like that because it gets to play with them for years and never find an answer. There is no cause for events. Any cause can be traced back to another cause, and then another and another: “Why did I feel that way? It’s because my dad said this to me. Why would he say that? He didn’t know any better because he was raised by an abusive mom. Why was she like that? Well, she was orphaned when she was six so she really didn’t know how to parent…” and on and on we go through the generations, to the beginning of time. The question “why?” only gives our minds a fertile playground to create ever more pain and confusion. Even if you think you know why it doesn’t help much.

There’s another type of question that’s a powerful tool to see the truth, however. That question is “what?”. “What?” doesn’t involve the mind at all. It only invokes pure, objective seeing, without interpretation, without judgment, without evaluation, without opinion – without anything. When you’re looking at “what” you’re viewing reality as a camera does, just taking in what it sees, without discrimination. With a “what?” question we’re looking only to see “what is”.

Let’s say your partner, Ray, has lunch with Linda, his long-time friend. You think he shouldn’t spend time with another woman so you’ve lashed out at Ray and you’re hurting. But “what” actually happened? Reality, without your story, is just that Ray had lunch with Linda. You probably wouldn’t have a problem with that if you weren’t feeling threatened. In fact, without your insecurity you could enjoy the fact that Ray had a nice time at lunch with an old friend.

“What?” helps you see the truth. If you want to get rid of your hurt and jealousy ask “what?” questions: “What’s the reality of this event? Does Ray have a right to have lunch with whoever he wants, just as I do? Does my jealousy and anger solve anything? Has it ever worked? Is Ray still with me, even after having lunch with Linda?” Notice that in all these questions you’re really just looking at “what’s” true. “What?” will always take you to clarity and peace when you simply see and allow life to be the way it is. “Why?” will always keep you spinning.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer