241. If your mature dating includes expectations you’ll suffer unnecessarily

The search for more happiness is why people want to date and find a partner. We expect that we’ll be happier with someone than without someone, especially as we get older. I saw an article recently reporting that the first world map of happiness was produced recently. Denmark came out on top. The Danes have ranked first in European satisfaction surveys for more than 30 years. One of the main reasons, according to researchers, is that as a nation Danish people have low expectations of life. While there were other reasons, the study authors said one thing was clear – the higher the expectations the deeper the disappointment when they’re not met.

The Ancients have been trying to tell us for eons, it seems, that we’re happy when we simply see that what we have is what we need, without expectations. They say, question your thoughts and beliefs about what would make you happy and see if you know they’re true. Can you definitely know you’d be happier with a date or partner right now? Do you know this person you’re now with is the right one, and you should never part?

The sages advise us to look at reality, without our unexamined beliefs and stories. For example, one ancient Chinese text, the Hsin Hsin Ming says,

Gain and loss, right and wrong: such thoughts must finally be abolished at once. If the eye never sleeps, all dreams will naturally cease. If the mind makes no discriminations, the ten thousand things are as they are, of single essence. To understand the mystery of this One-essence is to be released from all entanglements.

The idea, of course, is to trust the One-essence intelligence of the universe as it is, to realize that we’re being lived as one expression of that One-essence. That essence that breathes us, beats our hearts, and keeps the planets in place is harmony and perfection in action even when we don’t recognize that.

The Tao Te Ching, another ancient Chinese spiritual text, has this to say:

When people see some things as beautiful other things become ugly.
When people see some things as good other things become bad.

… Things arise and [the Master] lets them come; things disappear and [the Master] lets them go. [The Master] has, but doesn’t possess, acts but doesn’t expect.

And the Ashtavakra Gita, a revered East Indian spiritual text shares this:

As the air is everywhere, flowing around a pot and filling it, so God is everywhere, filling all things and flowing through them forever. (The One-essence.)

When will men ever stop setting one thing against another?
Let go of all contraries. Whatever comes, be happy and so fulfill yourself.

…With resolute dispassion free yourself from desire and find happiness.

Clearly, spiritually wise men and women through the ages are saying it’s our beliefs or stories about what should be that cause our suffering, not the reality of life as it is. Hopes and expectations are another way we look to a future we think we want, without really knowing what’s best for us. Can we really tell That which created us what we need?

Dating can be based on expectations, which will surely be dashed at some point, or dating can be just another interesting aspect of living, just as going to a park or enjoying a sunset. Dating is a way to be with a friend, which may develop into permanence.

The future will take care of itself, no matter what we think. One way to live is to want the future to be your way, and be miserable when it’s not. Another way is to simply see that life shows up one moment at a time, and to relish the mystery and surprise of it as it is. Life will always be as it is, just as it’s always been. Happiness is to live in harmony with that reality and date playfully – content, peaceful, and relaxed. When you don’t expect anything you can’t lose anything. Life without seeking is joy.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer