20. Is your pursuit of a partner putting playfulness on hold?

Caroline had lost her husband about four years before I met her, and her life still was mostly a frantic effort to always have something to do. After her husband died, she told me, she used to walk the malls day after day buying things she didn’t need. When I knew her she couldn’t get enough of traveling, going someplace, doing something, always on the move.

We dated a little bit and it was the same in that realm. She felt time was slipping by and she really needed to find a man to be with. It was hard for her to be alone so she tended to cling to relationships in the hope that her attention and devotion to a man would bring her partnership. Instead, it had the reverse effect. Men would soon be pulling away from her because they apparently felt, as I did, that they were being smothered.

For Caroline, and a lot of men and women I notice, they're addicted to approval. They need to be admired, appreciated, praised and stroked. And they think they have to have someone of the opposite sex to give that to them. One problem, I’ve learned, is that when we’re like that its partly because we haven’t stopped seeking long enough to see that we could just give ourselves what we expect others to provide.

You’ve probably noticed that when you need approval from someone you feel extremely vulnerable. You know if they can make you feel worthwhile with their approval they also have the power to make you feel terrible when they withdraw approval. So there’s always, in the background, that low-lying feeling of terror and uneasiness. You’ve given them power over you. They can jerk your chain any time they want to and you feel there’s not a thing you can do about it.

Stop the frantic seeking

Fortunately, with a little clear seeing we can recognize it doesn’t have to be that way. It only takes stopping the frantic search and the frantic activity to make sure you’re being and doing what you think your approval-giver needs and wants so she won’t get upset with you. We can never really be aware of the truth of life when we’re on the treadmill. And what is the truth when it comes to relationships?

If we look closely we see that truly contented, happy people don’t rely on others for their happiness. They’ve found that real happiness never comes from other people, or from status or position or material gain or recognition. It’s pretty clear that every up has its associated down. To want up without a down is like saying I want mountains without valleys. It just ain’t never gonna happen. It’s impossible.

So you can bet when you’re on a high, brimming with praise and appreciation from someone, that it won’t be long before you’ll be skidding down hill if you continue to rely on that person to feed you. So what’s the answer?

Investigate what’s actually real in life. Do you really need a date to admire and praise you? It may feel good but is it real? When you look you see that while one person may praise you another may be critical. That makes it pretty clear that it’s not “you” that makes the difference. No, it’s their own sense of you. On a good day, when they’re in a good mood, you may get lots of praise. When they’ve had a bad day you may be in for a lot of criticism. Do you really want to hang your hat on that wobbly peg?