19. The end of dating pain with The Work of Byron Katie

Katie, as she’s usually called (Byron is her real first name) is a woman whose clear understanding of life came suddenly one morning, after years of deep depression. She was so shocked she began to laugh and couldn’t stop. What she saw was that life is just doing what life does and that we’re all part of that. Without our interpretation, analysis, judgment and critique of the events of life we simply watch and accept what is, just as it is. After all, we don’t really know the workings from a higher view.

For more than 15 years Katie has traveled the U.S., Europe and other parts of the world demonstrating a method of questioning and investigation that frees people from their pain. She talks to crowds of hundreds. Her method is so simple it’s profound and when people actually use it, rather than just read or hear about, they’re usually astounded. The one comment Katie hears most from people is, “It can’t be that simple.” The questioning process she teaches and demonstrates is called The Work. You can go to her extensive website here: www.thework.com. She also has two wonderful books available that explain the method, with many examples of actual dialogues with individuals in front of the throngs who attend her workshops. Tapes and DVDs are also available to help people learn the process and see it demonstrated.

In various ways I’ve referred to the four questions of The Work in my postings here so they may seem somewhat familiar. Details are on Katie’s website, but here are the questions, then I’ll follow with a simple hypothetical case so you can see how it works. You start by filling out a simple one-page form to outline what’s causing you pain. Then you apply these four questions to the statements you wrote. There are six statements you write out, and in real life you apply the questions to all the statements. We’ll apply the four questions to just the first one here, for sake of explanation. The four questions are:

1. Is that true?


2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?


3. How do you live, or how do you react when you think that thought?


4. Who would you be without that story?

An example of how it works

Let’s put it in context now. Let’s say you wrote, “I’m hurt and upset because I’ve just learned the man I’ve been dating has also been dating someone else when he promised to be exclusive with me.”

Reframing what you wrote it might come out as a statement like this: “The man you’re dating should do as he promised and only date you.” Then the first question, “Is that true?” For most people the answer is likely to be “yes”.

Then the second question: “He should be honest and date just you, can you absolutely know that that’s true?” Some follow-up inquiries often help at this point. Questions such as, “What’s the reality in this life? Do men – and women - sometimes not fulfill their promises and do they sometimes date other people after promising to be exclusive?” With a broader perspective the answer to the question, “Do I absolutely know he shouldn’t be dating someone else.” may now may be “no, I don’t know that for sure”. Other questions that can help here are:
“Have you ever promised something you didn’t keep?”
“Does life sometimes work that way… that people don’t do what they say they’ll do?, etc.

When a person begins to see that their belief about something has nothing to do with what really happens in life they usually see that their belief is just a belief and has nothing to do with reality. After all, how can you argue with what’s happening. The man is dating other women and not sticking to his promise. That’s the truth.

Then the third question: “How do you live when you hold onto the belief that he should be dating only you, and he isn’t?” The usual answer is there’s a lot of pain. A follow-up question here may be, “Do you see any peaceful reason to keep holding your belief?” Or “Do you see a reason to drop that false belief of yours that doesn’t match reality?”

Finally, the fourth question: “Who would you be without that story?” Or “Who would you be if you never had your belief again and simply accepted what is, that here’s a man who doesn’t keep his promise and dates other women?” The answer is generally some words like, “I’d have a lot of peace.” The peace comes from not resisting what already is. That doesn’t mean you stay with the man. No, you may well choose to go your own way. But you can do that, even, with the understanding that he’s just being himself. How can you know that he isn’t supposed to be your teacher through his deceit?

In the Turnaround you see reality as it is

There’s a final step to the questioning, that’s called the Turnaround. You take the original statement, “He shouldn’t be dating other women” and turn it around exactly to the opposite, “He should be dating other women.” How do you know? He is. So the purpose of the Turnaround it just to help us see life as it really is. It’s no more complicated than seeing that life happens. It’s raining outside. How do you know it’s supposed to be raining? It is. Period. But you had a picnic planned. Yes, and do you notice the universe doesn’t ask for your input? Do you want to fight it and be miserable, or just see it for what it is and be content and happy?

You’ve just seen a very simple form of this work, and at first it may seem raw and unbelievable. But the whole purpose of the four questions is just to help someone in pain deal with the reality of life, not their unfounded and hurtful fantasies and the mistaken beliefs most of us have been taught about how things should be.

In life, people do what they do. When we think they need to change so we can be happy we’re nuts. We’re just dangling ourselves on a puppet string with the stick held by that person we want to change. Then, if they change we’re happy, and if they don’t change we’re miserable.

Do we really want to make our happiness dependent on another person or circumstance? Check out The Work if you think it might help you relieve emotional pain you’re feeling. I’ll promise that if you do it openly and honestly you’ll be surprised at its effectiveness. Seeing reality ends the pain because the pain was only in our misguided thinking in the first place. Those thoughts were an illusion. “What is” just shows up. It doesn’t show up with pain attached. Our unexamined thoughts and beliefs are the sole source of suffering.