23. Is need for approval your senior drug of choice?

Have you ever watched yourself closely and noticed how much of the time as you’re dating that you may be seeking approval? It shows up often in very small ways – that phony smile, saying yes when you feel no, holding back your opinion for fear someone will disagree. In the dating world seeking appreciation and approval looms high on the list of needs for many people. When we think we need or badly desire a partner we’re willing to shape ourselves into pretzels to get her.

And no wonder we operate like that. We’ve learned it from the people around us all our lives, especially as children. We’re taught to pretend to like people we don’t like, to always be nice and polite and smile, even when we don’t want to. We’re programmed to be inauthentic.

But at this mature stage of life do we really need to continue to seek approval? Look how much energy it takes to be phony. Look at the stress it causes in you when you date someone you’d rather not be with because you don’t want to hurt his feelings by saying no. A friend of mine told me recently she was invited to a movie by a guy she’d just met. He wanted to hold her hand. She didn’t want to. Yet she did it anyway. Why would she do that? Because she wanted something more than she wanted not to hold hands. She wanted him to think she was a nice person. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a nice person. But do you really want to give yourself up so someone will think that about you?

Besides the stress of being phony we suffer an even bigger pain when we want someone’s approval: Life becomes an emotional rollercoaster. We’re up when they’re pleased with us, we’re down when they’re not. We’re really asleep when we drift through life without realizing that it’s our own thoughts that cause us to suffer. We think we need someone’s approval, we think we need another date with her, we think what they think of us matters.

Instead, what really matters is reality - to see that we have no control over what someone thinks. Instead we could just notice that they think what they think, just as it rains when it rains. Life happens as it does. When we’re not attached to it but simply watch it from pure, clear awareness we lose the idea that we have to lie or manipulate or force things to make them go our way. Then we don’t care what they think of us. And where does that leave us? It leaves us with the ability to be honest, real, authentic, free, and happy. That’s love. That’s a gift. And strangely enough, that’s what draws people to us.