25. He shouldn't be dancing with her! - really?

Jealousy: It's a huge issue in many dating relationships. Fear is what people usually experience when they’re jealous, and the way we often express it is in anger. We might think that by the time we’re seniors and dating, we’d be beyond jealousy. In my experience that’s not the case. I’ve known people in their 80s who feel extreme jealousy, and they suffer. If you’ve felt jealousy in a relationship you know what it feels like. Your body tells you in an instant. However, if we step back from the automatic responses in our heads, and question ourselves instead, we may find surprising peace.

When we feel jealous of our friend or partner in a relationship what we’re really saying is, You don’t have the right to do what you’re doing: You shouldn’t be so friendly to him, you shouldn’t be so flirty with her, you didn’t need to meet her for coffee, you shouldn’t have danced with him, etc. But what’s real here? What’s real is that they “did” do whatever it is you’re objecting to. The world is as it is. We can argue with it as long as we like and it’s still the way it is, including the people who populate it.

With our jealousy, however, we’re saying to someone: You shouldn't live the way you want to live. You’re supposed to live the way I want you to live. Isn’t that what’s going on? Is that what you’d call love? It’s certainly not freedom is it? And it looks a lot like coercion, force and manipulation to me.

We fear that Special One will move out of our life. So we make ourselves miserable trying to control them. On a practical level, does it work? Let’s review the scene: She does something and you feel jealous. You get angry with her. Now she’s supposed to love you… more? Oh, sure, that makes a lot of sense doesn’t it? “I’ll get mad at you and then you’ll really love me!” I don’t think so.

When we really look and admit it to ourselves don’t we see that life just is as it is? If we really had control over it, would many of the things in our life have happened the way they did? So if someone leaves you, you could just notice reality: They left. Then ask yourself, Can I know they should have stayed with me? Can I really know that would be best for them and me? You might see that you really don’t know.

Mostly we’re trying to find security where there is none. None… really. Your partner could get killed by a bus tonight. You could die of a heart attack before bed time. Let your lover/friend/partner be who they are and notice how you feel. The stress of trying to control is gone. What’s left is peace and inner joy. Isn’t that why you wanted a partner in the first place?

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer