21. When you don't need anything dating is fun

In article #20 I talked about how vulnerable and subject to hurt we are when we rely on the praise of others to make us feel good. Let’s paint a couple of scenarios to flesh that out a bit. The first one goes like this.

Let’s say you’re going out on a date for the first time with a guy. You’ve put on four different outfits before you decide on just the right combination. You had your hair done that afternoon, you’ve spent an hour on your makeup, you’ve got the right perfume… and you’re ready. It’s almost as though you’ve said to yourself, I’ve done my part, now it’s his turn.

His turn for what? Well, of course, he’s supposed to see you and tell you how terrific you look, how those colors are just perfect for you, how attractive you are, how proud he’ll be to be seen with you this evening. If he does his job right, you’re happy and chirpy. The world is right. But what if he doesn’t?

What if he doesn’t do his job right? What if he doesn’t praise and admire you? How will you feel then, toward yourself and also toward him? Lots of things could happen, of course. You could start questioning yourself. You could blame yourself because you never did think you were very attractive, and here’s proof. Or he could be the culpable one in your eyes. The insensitive cad! How dare he not even notice all the trouble you went to just to look good for him.

With thoughts like that the evening isn’t going to start out great is it? The poor guy will have to spend the whole evening just working his way up to zero. This may not be you, but if you think it doesn’t happen to mature women you might be surprised. I have a friend in California who told me on the phone of a recent date, and the first thing she said was, “He didn’t even say I looked nice when he came to the door.”

That’s one scenario. Now for another scenario. The same woman is expecting the same man for her first date with him. She dresses nicely, easily adds makeup and a nice perfume and calmly greets her date at the door. She’s relaxed and pleasant, happy within herself and not expecting anything from him except that he be a gentleman. She doesn’t care whether he compliments her or not, and in fact she gets leery if he praises her too much. That feels like he’s trying to manage the situation to get her approval and it feels phony.

Her focus is not on what she needs from him. Instead, her focus is on simply enjoying their time together. She’s not assessing him or judging him for the way he treats her, so both of them feel relaxed and casual together. There’s no pressure and no expectations. We could paint the picture with more detail but you get the idea.

Of the two situations it’s pretty obvious which one is going to be more fun for you isn’t it? When you need something from someone you’re almost always going to be disappointed, if not now, soon. When you need nothing there’s just the joy of being, of naturally living life as it comes. No desire, no suffering.