50. When you “secure” your relationship you lock your partner in prison

In the last article, I wrote about how the need for security leads to the desire to have an exclusive dating relationship with someone. When we think we have to compete to get what we want in life it’s natural that we’ll try to tie things down so we can feel more secure. Especially in our senior years many tend to feel fear for the future, and they want security. In relationships it’s usually called commitment.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with commitment at all when it’s freely given. But when Jane tries to pin Joe to a commitment he’s not ready to make there’s a problem. Jane, of course, wants a guarantee that her dream man will be there for her so she wants to lock things up, to make sure things don’t change and he doesn’t leave. But Joe feels like he’s being forced into prison.

Trying to make sure nothing changes in your relationship is not the way the world works. It works exactly the opposite. Change is the very foundation of this world. There has to be movement, which is change. Without movement everything becomes stale and dies, like a lake that has no inlet or outlet. Soon it stagnates and dies. Our very bodies prove that change is the norm. We breathe in and out, our heart pulses and rests, then pulses again, our thoughts change moment to moment. In nature the tides come in and out, seasons come and go, day turns to night and to day again. There’s a to and fro in life, an activity and a rest. It’s all about movement and change.

Yet we somehow think we can make life secure. So we want to fence in our partner, like a horse in a corral. But is it even possible to guarantee someone will be there for you? Maybe they’ll die tomorrow. We seem to know that, yet we want to control everything we can, especially that our guy or gal won’t be free to find someone else attractive. That feeling comes from fear, but is it honestly what you want for someone you profess to care about? Do you want to imprison them so they can’t possibly find someone new? Or would you feel more loving by allowing your date or partner to feel free to find anyone in the world? If they stay with you they stay freely, not out of obligation. If they move on, isn’t it pretty clear that they feel happier with someone else? And wouldn’t you be happier with someone new who wanted to be with you rather than someone who felt forced to be there?

There is no security in this life, no matter how much we may want it. Gravity always pulls toward the earth, not away from it. Water is always wet. And life constantly changes. We’re happy when we ride along with “what is” instead of trying to squeeze life into the shape we want. You can’t defy gravity and you can’t defy change. Go with it and live a life of ease.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer