51. Dating is better when you’re not living lies about yourself

What you think of yourself deeply affects how you relate to other people. As a man or woman dating in your senior years your so-called self-image is as critical as it was when you were a teenager just starting in the world of dating.

If this self-image – this idea we have of ourselves – is so important maybe it would be wise to investigate it a bit. We could say that a self image is a compilation of separate ideas we have about ourselves. We’ve grouped them together and now we say “this is me”. It’s a bit like having a bunch of lego blocks scattered on the floor. Then someone comes along and puts them together and builds a house. But is it really a house or is it lego blocks put together to look like a house?

There’s a huge difference between the lego blocks and our building-block ideas of ourselves, however. The blocks are real. Our ideas about ourselves aren’t. Those ideas consist of whatever impressions we have of an event in the past. They’re always faulty, for two reasons. One is that our interpretation of an event could have been wildly inaccurate because of things such as our age at the time, our emotional state, our fears, our programming, and more.

The second reason our building block ideas are faulty is that our minds only remember a very small amount of what actually happened in an event. Think back to the last conversation you had with someone. It may have lasted for 10 minutes, yet if you relate it to someone else you can only remember about a minute’s worth of the dialogue. And you don’t remember that during that talk you scratched your forehead and saw a bird flying by out the window. Even worse, you can’t remember that great joke your friend told you. You couldn’t possibly remember all the things that happened in that time.

So with our imprecise memory of events and thoughts over months and years we form ideas that seem as solid as building blocks. Then we take these erroneous building block ideas and build our house which we call “me”. That’s how we define ourselves. From then on everything in life is referenced to this false sense of “me” or “I” and we don’t even know it’s false. If our building block ideas were made up of impressions of our unworthiness and inadequacy we’re working with malformed blocks. The “me” that we think we are, then, is pretty distorted. And that skewed “me” is what we present to the person we’re dating. It’s not true but we present it as though it is.

If we see ourselves as not very appealing how do you think we present ourselves? Probably not very confidently. And how are we perceived? Probably pretty much the way we present ourselves. You don’t have to be a genius to see through a person with a low self-image. It shows from their every pore, in every movement they make doesn’t it? They either look and act as unworthy or they may project elaborate pretenses to try to appear good enough.

What’s the image you project? Whether you’re in your 50s, 60s, 70s or beyond you might want to investigate what kind of self-idea you’re putting out in the world as you date? Ask yourself, Is my idea of me really true? After all, this “me” you think you are is just your own bundle of ideas. Are they true? Were they ever true when you really look?

If you feel even the slightest sense of inadequacy or unworthiness you don’t have to keep believing that self-created picture. Instead, explore, investigate, question and see the truth. Break the shell of a false self-image and let the natural, loving, genuine self that’s the essence of every person shine through in you. I guarantee dating and life will be better when you’re not living lies about yourself.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer