54. Three commitments to yourself that can make a dating relationship work

Usually when people talk about making a commitment in a relationship they mean they’re committing to be loyal and faithful to their partner. It sounds good but the divorce courts prove it’s not real. It only lasts as long as the partner does what we expect them to do, in most cases. As long as they toe the line and do what we want we’re committed to them. It’s love with strings attached.

A woman by the name of Meta Zetty (yes, her real given name) has had some profound experiences in seeing and understanding life. She sees commitment in a relationship in a different way. Instead of committing to your partner she recommends making a commitment to yourself – actually three commitments. “The beauty of this approach to relationships,” she says, “is that maintaining these commitments does not depend on anything that anyone else says or does.”

Her suggestion for three commitments you make to yourself in a relationship are:

1. Be yourself. This means you’re 100% authentic in the relationship rather than trying to live up to what your date or partner might want, or what you think they might want. You don’t pretend to be something you’re not, you don’t pretend to like something you don’t, you just honestly be who you are. Your regular date may decide she wants to be with someone who lives differently and you may lose that dating partner. But you feel appreciation and love for yourself because you’ve been honest with yourself and with her.

2. Tell the truth, which means the real truth about what you’re feeling and experiencing in the moment. That’s not as easy as it sounds when your partner asks you to go out tonight and you say you really just want to be home alone and read. It means saying what you feel, not sharing theories or beliefs. And you’re sharing what you feel. Statements you make sound like, “I feel…” not “You should…” or “You always…”. Saying the truth doesn’t mean confessing past secrets either, or telling what you expect in the future. It’s always just in the present moment.

3. Accept responsibility for your feelings. This acknowledges that no one else is responsible for how we feel about our present experience. If we’re feeling hurt or pain of any kind – sadness, disappointment, jealousy, anger – it’s because we’re arguing with what’s real. And that’s no one else’s fault. Remember, what’s real is what is actually happening, not what we think should happen or what we want to happen. “What is” always rules.

These aren’t easy commitments to live by but the beauty of them is that they’ll work every time, no matter what the other person says or does. You live naturally, easily and happily because you’re simply allowing the truth of who you are to shine unimpeded.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer